I’m currently reading The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon. At first glance it’s a huge book but upon flipping through it I realized that one quarter of it is the bibliography and notes for the heavily researched text. It can be a bit of a groaner at times – I could not follow the brain chemistry parts – but never before have I read such a complete book on depression. It recognizes how depression is not merely a chemical illness, or an emotional illness, or a spiritual one. Is it all of those and has many more influences as well. Sorrow and unspeakable pain has been a part of human life forever, and while it is not always diagnosed or spoken of in the same terminology, it’s a universal fact of life.

The book is really fighting stereotypes for me and teaching me more about getting well than I’ve learned before. For example, one thing I’ve heard numerous times was that depression is an upper middle class disease, something that drug companies made up in order to make money off of the natural feelings of life. My personal experience of depression has taught me that it’s a very real disease that is HELL to live through, and that all walks of life experience it. Despite learning those things myself, I’ve blamed myself for being so depressed when I know that people in third world countries have it much worse. I’m ashamed to think about what I consider to be a bad day for me when I’m not in a war torn country or starving to death.

Andrew Solomon writes that pain is pain, no matter where you live: “I went to Cambodia to be humbled by the pain of others, and I was humbled down to the ground.” He spoke with Phaly Nuon who has set up an orphanage and centre for depressed women in Phnom Penh. Upon first meeting, Nuon told him her long traumatic life story, including how one of her children was tortured in front of her and killed. Oh my God. Really, what is worse than that? Anyway, not only did she flee to safety and rebuild her life, she now treats severely traumatized Cambodian women in three steps:

As the first step, she listens to the women tell them the horrors of their life. Next she tries to make them “forget the unforgettable.” Obviously some traumas are so terrible that the victims will never ever “get over” what happened, but they can learn to focus on the present and the happier times they’ve experienced. Then she teaches them a skill until they can do it well and can take pride in their ability. The final step is love. One way she connects work and love is by teaching these traumatized women how to give each other manicures. And I know what you’re probably thinking: “Who fucking wants to do nails when your life has been shattered?” and I sort of think the same thing. The way Nuon explains it, however, is that doing nails is a self-care thing, something that often gets pushed to the backburner while dealing with trauma. Doing something self-nurturing is healing, whether it’s doing nails or taking a bath or buying yourself something new. Also, traumatized people often feel afraid of other people, of getting close to them, touching them, and being connected. For these traumatized women in Cambodia, trusting each other to do their nails is enough to break the barriers of isolation and mistrust.

Somehow reading about how women across the world recover from their traumas gives me hope about dealing with my own traumas and depression overall. I love that Andrew Solomon traveled to talk to people in Cambodia in order to connect over pain because his willingness to examine pain worldwide makes me feel less guilty for having the pain that I do. I’m sure I’ll be prompted to write another blog post as I continue reading The Noonday Demon. In the meantime, try to think about the steps Nuon recommends in recovering from trauma and depression: Tell your story, focus on the present, find something you’re good at, and love someone or something. Understand that pain is universal and if you’re depressed it doesn’t mean you’re a freak. You’re dealing with a human condition, one that can be relieved by connecting with other humans and you can do it one step at a time.

The book’s official website: http://www.noondaydemon.com/