Debbie named her blog Living in Stigma because she faces stigma with her own mental illness (depression).  She works in a large office, and feels unable to breathe a word, for how she will be treated.  The goal of her blog is to educate and hopefully make people aware of mental illness stigma and help put an end to it.

Envision feeling lonely when you are actually with people; with friends, celebrating a birthday party at someone’s house.  You experience emptiness.  The room is filled with chatter and laughter, yet you are seated; numb.

Depression is lonely.  Curled up in a ball - lonely.

This actually happened to me.  I was pretty much forced to attend a birthday party, and although I resisted, I soon surrendered due to the fact that it was for a dear friend and I was absent from all other celebrations throughout the past year.

Seated in a Lazy-Boy for part of the evening, I held tightly onto a diet Coke.  I thought it polite to rise and finally mingle; show a smile, pretend to enjoy the evening, yet the feeling of hollowness was debilitating.  Laughter echoed.

For the majority of the year, I had been in hospital more than out.  Depression was black; I felt as if I was literally dumped into a black hole and left for dead.  It was stated there was light up at the top of this hole, yet I was forever waiting to witness any.

Small talk was exchanged.  The majority of the people at this gathering did not know me; a relief to say the least.  I escaped having to share stories of my new life; in hospital.  A life filled with doctors, nurses, medications; lonesome times, seated cross-legged in my hospital room corner daily, attempting to make sense out of anything.

My mind drifted too much throughout the minor conversations, and I started feeling too many emotions; nothingness, an empty space.  Why was everything so dark, and gloomy?

I just had to escape from this gathering and head home.  Apologizing to my friend for my lifeless presence, she looked at me with sadness, and hugged me.  Strangely, I was lonely yet preferred to be alone.  This was bewildering to even me.

“Depression, best known of all the mental illnesses, is difficult to endure and treat.   It renders one feeling hopeless and helpless.  Experiencing a sort of wintry solitude, one is completely immobilized with any light of optimism dimming.   It creates emotional and financial fallout, coupled with a horrible emptiness and black death-like existence.  Life tastes sour”. – Suicide: The Taboo Word, by D. McCarthy, 2007

It took years to recover from depression, with many more hospitalizations, and ultimately becoming medication resistant.  ECT’s were my only remedy, or so they thought, however this was not true.  A new pdoc was in the wings, equipped with the knowledge to effectively treat the mental illness that had ruined my life.  I am on the correct medications now.

The loneliness though, I will never forget, and never desire to feel that hollow sense again; the almost frightening sense, and the feeling of despair.

By  D. McCarthy