It’s often the first occasion young people have the opportunity to spend a ridiculous amount of money on an outfit they feel great in and surround themselves with their best friends, and partners for a night of glamour, music, dancing, and parties.  What we forget to think about are those young adults who are already struggling to be visible and accepted in their communities, and how much more difficult the whole ‘prom’ experience can be. 

Let’s break this down into an example; because I learn best from a real experience.

In 2000, I was dating a young girl my age, and prom season rolled around. For me, growing up in a very small town, being anything but ‘heterosexual’ just didn’t exist.  Sure, I had girls in my school who had short hair, and who transcended other gender expectations, but even thinking about going to prom with my girlfriend wasn’t even on my mind. I just knew it wasn’t what people did. I didn’t even question it, didn’t even think to question – because all of my life I had been taught (or trained) that boys and girls did the ‘prom thing’ together.  It was simple.  My girlfriend who usually wore guys carpenter jeans, and baggy hoodies, vests and boots (and who regularly expressed her hatred for skirts, dresses and heels) asked me to go to the mall with her to help her pick out a ‘costume’ to wear to her prom.  She was going to prom with a guy friend of hers, and needed to ‘look the part’.  So to the mall we went, and purchased a pink sparkly dress, pink heels, and make up (can’t forget that).   We laughed through the entire process, and she even told me that she felt like she was getting ready for a ‘drag show’.

The night of prom, her ‘date’ picked her up from my house, corsage and everything.. and off they went. 

It sucked.

I felt like I wasn’t good enough to share this great experience with the person I loved, because I wasn’t the right sex. It was humiliating to go to school the next day knowing everyone had seen my girlfriend attend prom with a guy (and not me). I felt less than good enough, unequal, ashamed, and sad that I had been at home rather than at my prom. I had just been taught a lesson about the dangers of being a lesbian.  I felt cheated when people stopped to tell me how great my partner looked ‘dressed like a girl’ because I loved her for who she was, not who she pretended to be that night, it hurt to know that in order for her to ‘fit in’ it meant that she would change, and I would be left alone at home feeling not good enough. I am 27 now, and thinking about this memory still makes me feel less than.

This is a small example of an event that seems to be publicized every year. Year after year we read in the paper about someone who wanted to bring a partner to their prom who didn’t fit the criteria.  Punished because of what reproductive parts they were born with, or what kind of clothing they feel best represents who they are. I just don’t understand why there is so much fear around stretching the rigid boundaries of gender conformity. 

Who does it hurt if a young girl wears a tuxedo to her prom? Who does it hurt if she brings a female date with her? Who does it hurt if they dance together and laugh, and have fun, and make great memories of being accepted, with their peers, at this oh so important coming of age event? No one. It’s just that simple. It doesn’t hurt a single person – but it does allow acceptance, freedom of expression, freedom to be yourself, to love who you love, to love who you are, and to be in a community that supports your decisions. Aren’t these after all simple requests from a young person?

More importantly – what does it do to the person who is told no? or who is told that their entire prom will be cancelled because of their request to bring their date? How do you think the rest of the class will treat them? With respect? With dignity? Will the rest of the class support them and say “Fine, take our prom, we don’t want it unless we can all be ourselves and bring who we want”?  No. The reality is in most cases the rest of the class is angry, disappointed, and blames not the school or the adults making the decision, but the student fighting to be treated equally.

So now, you aren’t good enough as you are, you are embarrassing to be seen when you dress the way you choose, you’re existence is not accepted AND your entire class hates you now because you’ve ruined their prom.  All because you wanted to be yourself. 

Wow... and we wonder why young gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgendered people have suicide rates at least 3x higher than heterosexual-cisgendered^* youth (up to 14x higher in gay men) ¹!!  And is it really a surprise that these youth face issues such as depression (Higher rates of depression – 3 to 5 times greater than in heterosexual populations)²? Anxiety? Self-harm? Or actively seek out harmful or high risk activities such as drugs or alcohol to dull the pain?

As my dad would say ‘give your head a shake’ society!! Oppression, discrimination and hate does not equal safety, love, support and inclusivity.

So.. the point of this blog.. a  young lady named Constance asked (take note of this.. that she felt she had to have special permission in the first place!!) her school if she could bring her female date to the prom. She also ‘asked’ if she could wear a tuxedo.  Constance was told ‘no’.  And with all the buzz about this simple request, the school’s prom in it’s entirety has been cancelled. If you want to read more (and I encourage you to) here is a link to the story: http://cbs3.com/national/lesbian.prom.canceled.2.1556168.html

Let it be known that a lawsuit has been filed by the American Civil Liberties Union of Mississippi on Constance’s behalf.

Now, what I find equally amazing but in a positive and supportive way, is that I also found an article that reminds me that there are people in this world who are willing to give a little more than their share in order to fight these injustices, and set an example of what true compassion and humanity is.  This article:  http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2010/03/new_orleans_hotelier_offers_to.html states that Sean Cummings of New Orleans has offered to host an alternative prom for Constance and her classmates in one of his properties (including transportation for the students).  Cummings says “Concluding your high school experience should be a joyful one”.  As I am writing this from my couch at home, this article has filled my eyes with tears, and my chest with warmth. 

Many cities and communities host special ‘proms’ for their sexual and gender diverse youth and young adults, providing for them a space where they can be free to wear what they’d like, bring who they love, and enjoy themselves in a safe and comfortable atmosphere. I was lucky enough to be volunteering for Niagara Pride Support Services in 2008 and helped with their annual “ Pride Prom”.  Seeing everyone so happy and free, made all the work seem simple, and even gave me an opportunity to have a ‘prom’ I never attended. A friend of mine posted a video on youtube about the event that still makes me cry because it’s such a simple act to be kind and free of judgment. Here’s a link to the clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMXeZRI1F4w .

The moral of this long winded blog is simple. This is not a new phenomenon. Why is expecting to be treated equal seen as such an absurd request?  And why is it ok for young people to continue taking their lives because of hate, because they are courageous, because they continue to struggle to be allowed the simplest of human rights. 

As you read this, consider it a challenge to look at your own prom this year, make sure that if it is not an inclusive event – that you take the stand and fight for the rights of your classmates, students, or teachers to make everyone feel comfortable no matter what they wear to prom, or who they bring as their date. If you need help unlearning the rules you have learnt about gender roles, heterosexism, or homophobia – there are organizations you can contact ( Learn2Unlearn http://www.learn2unlearn.com/ ).

I officially challenge you! And please comment on this blog to share what you are doing to change your school’s prom this year!

Melissa

1 Higher rates of depression – 3 to 5 times greater than in heterosexual populations

Social Justice Framework for GLBTT-SQ Wellness, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, transgendered, Two-Spirit and Questioning, (2005). Canadian Rainbow Health Coalition

2 Increased suicide rates; at least 3x in GLBT youth, and as high as 14X in gay men.

Social Justice Framework for GLBTT-SQ Wellness, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, transgendered, Two-Spirit and Questioning, (2005). Canadian Rainbow Health Coalition

* Cisgendered – refers to a person whose identified sex at birth is fitting to the gender they feel best represents them in life.