Recently I attended a support meeting for friends and family of people who are dealing with a mental illness-specifically eating disorders.  My intention was to blog on my experience. I wanted to share what it was like but every time I wrote a sentence something inside me made me erase it. I sat for over an hour looking at a blank screen. I was scared that my friend might see it and be angry. I was scared that writing about my feelings somehow would no longer make them mine. I was scared to be judged, that’s what it all came down to.

I never wrote the damn thing...

We are all scared of people judging us. We base our day around not wanting to be judged. Don’t wear something that others won’t approve of. Don’t speak out in class, because your opinion is different. Don’t listen to music that your friends think is lame.

But why?!!? Why do we even care? I think it’s because being different or talking about something sensitive like our feelings makes us vulnerable.

I realised something I have never thought about before. If it was so difficult for me to write about my experience, how hard is it for people dealing with mental health issues to get help? 

I can understand the internal struggle that would take place. On one hand, you want to feel better, you want to wake up happy and be able to smile but you just can’t. On the other hand you don’t want to tell anyone about how you’re feeling because by doing that you are making yourself vulnerable to their opinion and their judgments.

But there’s the catch 22- if you want to feel better you need to seek help.

In my situation it was easier for me to talk about my experience with people that I trust, but writing it down was too difficult. And that’s okay.

-Brianna