i wrote this when i was about 16, so 3 years ago, and yet it is still so relevent in my life, and it’s hard to accept being happy, and trusting it, after all you’ve ever had in your life is saddness.

Soft Secure Sadness

I’m just searching for a way to meet this need I have
A need that I don’t really understand
But I need to forget you, because
I can’t stand the thought of being happy
It’s so fleeting and so scary
So I’d rather just be sad
Soft secure saddness
I know thee
I love thee
I fear a smile, I fear a laugh
Because I know it’s only for a second
And I can’t get my hopes up again
Because I can’t manage to be a failure again
So I stay hidden, under the covers
With my tears, my familiar tears
The only friend I had late at night
The only thing I had to hold onto
So I need this to stay the same
I’m too scared to be happy
I love my soft secure saddness
The tears and the sighs
And the hate and the lies
And I need to stay like this forever

Written by Samantha, 19