It started with a question
Can you love her?

A long pause  

My response, I don’t know
I’m stunned, numb
Why?
Why can’t I love myself?
Why don’t I?

I wake from sleep and ask her why
Her response, something bad happened
Something bad happened and it’s my fault
I’m stunned, numb

The child that had endured so much
The adult that had always put others before herself
Living life on her own terms
Loving life on the edge
Somehow falling off

Medication
Therapy, life style change
Anything that might help

Pinned to a chair or bed for fear of what might happen
What I might do if I got up
Self abuse
Go to sleep and not wake up
So tired of the fight

Every memory and bit of information gathered
Spin me with the solution

A completion I may never know
God, I know enough already

If I survive this, regain control
There will be nothing I can’t do
Whoever hurt this child
Took advantage with power and control
Lives with a perverse sickness
Making my struggle seem small

Ride the roller coaster
Can I take another ride?
All the blood in my pelvis
Electric energy overflowing
Please no more
Crazy, impulsive
Anything I can think of to cope
Old and new methods combined
No relief

CRASH!

A few days of thinking, I’m okay
I’m happy and smiling at last
It feels so nice to be back
Tears come to my eyes
I fear how long it might last

Anxiety
Knowing it’s going to start over again

If only I could find someone that could help me
Help with the energy I can’t control
Why is it so difficult?
I look and look

But, no one

I remember a face at a party
A physical and intellectual attraction, I think
Confirming information correct
I walk downtown and into his store

Talk, comfort, understanding
An embrace, touch, physical intimacy
Exhaustion and contentment combined

I feel at peace
No stress or worries
Only the calm and enjoyment
Talking, touching, sharing
I feel grounded

He says, you are beautiful
A compliment I don’t accept often
He says, don’t you go falling in love with me now
Touching a finger on my nose

I am falling in love
An affair that I hope will last my lifetime
The person so diverse and resilient
Imprinting relationships
Offering so much
Singing and dancing through a love of life few share

I am falling in love with the most creative, empowering dynamic person I know

Myself

T.Gunn, author
Ontario, Canada