I turn away for a second as my surroundings are covered with a florescent blue light. My focus to a strand of hair that dances in front of my left eye. A subtle burgundy color shines through the strand. I push it aside and continue to sing the verse from Tool as I stroll along through the snow-covered park in front of my house.
I am lost in concentration.
I am found in the deepest area of my mind, feeding off of questions that seem to never stop questioning themselves. This brings me comfort. To know I can think, To know I can breathe, to know I can blink. No matter how dead I feel inside, My heart always beats; it is a beautiful thought. Drugs seem irrelevant at this point. Nothing can portray what I see now except from my own perspective through my green eyes.
Feels as if I stare forever at still portraits.
Feels as if my eyes follow the movements of random energy.
I do not trust, anything or anyone. I have no expectations, my heart isn’t set on anything,
Promises set out on the table like empty tea cups.
Life is random, you cannot organize chaos.
You don’t need anything, there’s no need to want anything.
Nothing should be put into words, but actions. The word may be beautiful and reassuring, but totally irrelevant. A word is only necessary if it is connected with an action.
I can tell you I love you all day. All this does is reassure you. Reassure myself. Keep a feeling going, not necessary growing.
One in six billion? Who are you trying to find?
Staring into a mirror my entire life, impressing others by impressing myself. She thinks I am beautiful and I think she is strange. Respect is needed. Anything you do to others, you are doing to yourself.
Our physical portrayal is action, to be recognized, to be able to make an effect moving or still. Our minds are mental stimulants, to ourselves and to others, to be able to make and effect that is perpetual.
Live only for yourself, as many friends or lovers you may have, you are the only one who can see through your eyes. The feeling may be mutual, you can love anyone but you settle too easily. Beautiful distractions.
Living life is near impossible without getting beaten by the second opinion. My advice is to create a solid mind, indecision. If you want to be heard. You must be at the front of the group aside from the faint voice in the back. When you speak at the front of this group you will be heard by the other solid minds, and in the back of this group your words will seem beautiful, but often misconceived by a weak mind.
What keeps you awake? What keeps you curious? I feed off curiosity.
I look forward to laughing. I appreciate everything and will go out of my way. Don’t tell me what’s possible, don’t tell me you know what I am, don’t tell me you understand and don’t tell me things will get better. Don’t tell me anything, just listen. One day I stopped caring and I thought after all I’ve been through there’s nothing stopping me. Now I have no fear or regrets. It’s all in your head, no matter what you’re going through, it’s all in your head, maybe you just like it, attention, or maybe you’re just too used to it. I have been through the system, I have lived in society for 18 years, I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, I’ve judged, I’ve worn many masks, I’ve treated myself like a piece of shit, but this is who I am now. If you don’t love yourself, you’ll never be truly alive to anyone; to yourself. I have been to hell and back many times and I’ve chosen to stay right here.
Freedom of choice is given to you by your surroundings and the people you hang out with. Do not rely on beauty. Beauty disappears. Everything is temporary, this discourages me, but I accept it. The only permanent thing is this instant. Never think for one instant that you are only human. You have the same right to look me in the eyes as I do you. It only takes one instance to change anything, one choice to change anything. Make a conscious decision instead of dealing with it. Because you should not have to deal with anything you feel no need too, there is low, moderate and high. You can only get so high, but you can always get lower.
Life is considered to be in the area of a moderate view, an equilibrium often misshaped. I suggest living life as if in one blink you could die. Hug as if you will never hug again. Walk as if you’re going somewhere. Smile as if no one knows what you’re smiling about. Wake up and be thankful that you woke up. Appreciate others and yourself, the things that spontaneously happen or else you’re just passing by. All in all, I’m just another voice in your head.
Kayla, 18
Ontario, Canada
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