I’ve already submitted some art on this website. Now I would like to…talk.

So I’m 18 years old now. I can’t stop thinking about how much better everything was last year. I felt happy, and I enjoyed raking the leaves, shoveling the snow, looking after my parents friend’s cat. I loved Christmas and still do, but last year I was already feeling the Christmas Spirit halfway through November. This year it’s different. This year I hated raking the leaves, and I didn’t enjoy Halloween because of a nasty cold. I haven’t felt any excitement about the holidays, and it’s already almost a week away.

Maybe it’s because I’m growing up, and there isn’t as much stuff to do as before that’s making me sad. Maybe the past is finally catching up with me. It really feels that way. I had a lot of health issues when I was little, and it’s all coming back again, so I’m in a perpetual state of discomfort and anxiousness.

I don’t know what it is that’s bringing my mood down. All I know is that I feel sad quite a lot now, and I feel guilty all the time. And I don’t think it has anything to do with PMS or Seasonal Depression. I don’t even think it is Depression. I think it’s just existential Angst that I’ve had since I was a preteen. I get it every now and then, and sometimes it’s really bad and I have panic attacks where I can’t stop shaking.

I hope this doesn’t spoil Christmas.

Written by Emily