I wish this were a multiple choice exam right now. Then I wouldn’t have to become emotional. I have a very hard time regulating my emotions. If I get triggered by an event like my boss speaking through me, I go on this anxiety ridden binge where I shake, throw up a little, and fear nothing and everything all at once. For some, anxiety comes before depression, for me it comes after. Those thoughts you identify as over-exaggerated in therapy that you know of, and more frustratingly the ones that have an emotion attached but no clear thought. I mean, it seems to be a cruel joke that what is hurting us is not always perceptible. And that brings me to mania.
I had my first manic episode at 30, and I think I was hypo-manic in spurts before this (e.g., at 23 I went on a booze and drugs and girl spree that lasted for 3 months after I graduated university). No one wants to talk about bad things they did when they were manic, but I have learned that you can face these if you realize that you probably would have had better judgement if you were better mentally. I have learned with counseling how to let myself let go of bad things that have happened. I also educated myself on Bipolar through books and found that it reduced the anxiety about the disease. If you know what you are up against, it usually seems less formidable. I lost much of my late 20’s with misdiagnosed Bipolar (first dysthymia, then Major Depression) so I am a little resentful.
Why couldn’t they see this? Why couldn’t I? Would it have mattered? But the truth is that it simply does not show up on the radar, and that a manic state is usually part and parcel of a bipolar diagnosis. But I am still angry! Wishing that I had not been on the wrong meds for ten years. This is probably sounding like a bit of a rant. I do take my meds every day, and it keeps me living in the community, not in a hospital. It keeps me working, not on ODSP (not that there is anything wrong with this, it is a valuable safety net). It keeps me loving, not dwelling on past abuses. It keeps me closer to constantly redefining the me that I know I am. A dynamic, intelligent good person. You can be where I am, it is closer than you think, just believe.
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