Do you know how hard it is to fall for you again?
A second time?
After two years have gone by without you?
After two years of me hating myself for what I did…
It feels like torture.
I miss you,
I miss our pillow fights,
Our inside jokes,
The passing of notes we did, almost every day…
It killed me at first,
The sleepless nights,
The tears,
Knowing that if I did fall asleep,
I would quickly descend into
Dreams, of our good times and
Nightmares, of the times I felt scared
That you’d eventually find out
That I was the most screwed up person that you’d ever meet.
And if I did happen to fall asleep,
I’d wake up to a pillow soaked with tears
Tears caused by pain, guilt, and regret
It never really left, I guess,
The pain, the guilt, the want
Especially the want
Oh God,
The want was always there
Every minute of every day
Every month of every year
And of course,
Every time I saw you,
I would catch you staring at me
With a certain soul-searching depth
It gave me shivers
I think of your eyes,
And I see the laugh lines
That appeared after all our stupid jokes
About how we’re more terrified of
The toaster popping up
Than we are of horror movies..
God, we were such losers
We’ve both changed immensely,
As individual people,
But we both know the connection is still there
You said it yourself…
And after a few months of loneliness,
You found her,
And I found him,
And I think it might have
Taken you off my mind for a bit
But of course, like all things in life,
It didn’t last.
And we stopped talking completely,
And once in a while,
I admit it,
I remember how happy I felt,
And how that certain feeling of happiness
Was completely new to me
I’ve never felt that happy before..
And since then,
I haven’t felt that happy again..
And today, and for the last few days,
I’ve felt somewhere near that happiness…
I check my messages whenever I hear a beep,
Hoping it’s you
Because you make me laugh with everything you say…
And how we can go from serious to joking
In a matter of minutes
There’s clearly a missing piece here
But back then,
It wasn’t you who let me go
It was me.
I let go of you,
And I let go of an amazing part of my life
At the same time
That sounds incredibly cheesy,
But it’s not like anyone’s going to read this, right?
Half of me is hoping you, yourself, do,
While the other half is praying that you won’t because
It will show you just how vulnerable I really am.
And I can’t be vulnerable,
Not around anyone,
Especially you.
It took a long time for you to break down the walls surrounding
me,
And they’re back, as strong as ever maybe more.
And I don’t want to ever feel
That vulnerable again…
However,
I DO want you back.
I miss you so damn much,
It kind of hurts physically a little
And tonight
Is going to be one of those nights
Where I sleep
Having dreams,
But I think the difference is this time,
I can add in all our weird
Moments from the past few days,
And it might just make my pillow a little dryer
Than the past two years.
Tonight will be a good night, I think.
xx