I am not a doctor, not a psychologist, not a social worker; I’m just an expert at living with depression. I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I never felt “normal”. I remember being able to identify ongoing sadness in grade 5 or 6 and being suicidal in grade 7. In grade 11 I cut myself off from everyone and spend about 6 months basically alone. I’m now 43 so it has been a long time, a long time looking for reasons and answers. A long time looking at medical, genetic, environmental and any other reason for why I am depressed. A long time wanting to find a way to be “NORMAL”. What is normal? That is the one question I have never answered and will never answer. Normal doesn’t exist. All that exists is who we are right now. The past is gone, the future isn’t here. The only impact, control, treatment, advice, behavior is what you are, where you are and who you are right now.
Normal for me is being introspective, always looking to do things better, always trying to understand the “why” of everything. I have spent many days, nights, years wishing this was not me…It does make life difficult when you always want to do better, when your expectations for yourself are higher than anyone else’s expectations of you. I was very much “the glass half full” kind of person. Whether I was born with a demanding nature or it was part of my upbringing or both, it doesn’t change easily. Luckily for my kids, I realized very early in their lives that I couldn’t push them to my standards because I would be setting the stage for them to also feel they could never measure up. When you feel you can’t measure up, you feel that you are not good enough which can translate, under the right circumstances, into not feeling worthy of love. When you don’t feel worthy of love, you isolate yourself, you don’t trust people, you live a guarded life, you don’t relax, you feel suspicious of happiness because you convince yourself that you don’t deserve it. All of this doesn’t necessarily happen on a conscious level – most likely it is on an unconscious level.
Once you become aware of the negative way you feel about yourself and life, you can start to accept yourself and hopefully, retrain your way of thinking through this acceptance. My personal philosophy is to accept who I am right now. To aim to behave in a way that I can define as good, as much as possible. Good to me means to avoid intentionally hurting others. If I am feeling well, I try to be helpful to others. All of this allows me to feel worthy of love…to feel like a good person who deserves good things. Sounds a lot easier than it really is! It has taken me many years to get to a point where most days, I feel like a worthy person. My life with depression and my research into depression has led me down many roads.
Medical – I have a neurotransmitter imbalance, I need to take drugs to put them back in balance.
Environmental – I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused as a child, I am damaged for life.
Genetic – My father, aunt and grandmother all suffered from depression, I have no escape.
Alternative Medicine – Give up traditional drugs and try acupuncture, homeopathy and other “natural” treatment, my body should be able to fix itself. Why can’t MY body fix itself?
Psychological – Talk therapy, EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), behavioural modification, fake it till you make it. I have to work hard to be normal.
Personality Type – Jung, Hippocrates, Myers-Briggs, etc., I can’t help who I am.
Self-Medication – Alcohol and illegal drugs give me that temporary feeling of calm, carefree…give me an empty mind.
They have all worked and not worked. I am 43 and still suffer from depression and I also have Lupus so my latest explanation for my depression is CNS Lupus. I will never stop searching for WHY, because that is WHO I AM.
I used to want to find the WHY so I could fix it, fix me. Now I accept me, I accept that depression is part of me, that searching for answers and connections is part of me. I accept that this is NORMAL…normal for me. Nobody else dictates normal. I know that I will always be just on the outside of what is usual for most, I will always push a little bit harder than others and I will always feel disappointment a little stronger that the next person. WHY? Because of all of the above…I have been shaped by my 43 years to be this person. My biggest problem is that I have fought this person… ME for a long time.& I didn’t like me but I also didn’t know that I didn’t like me.
I take medication for depression, I have a chronic illness and take many medications for this, I was laid off last year and have worked many part time jobs since then to keep food on the table. Despite all of this, I feel more at peace with myself and my life than I have ever felt. WHY (there is that WHY again)…because I am accepting myself and I know that I am a good person, worthy of love and good things. If I can reduce the amount of time that it takes others to realize that they are worthy, my mental labor will have been worth it.
What made me aware of how I felt about myself was my diagnosis of Lupus. Lupus is an autoimmune disease where the body’s immune system attacks itself as though trying to destroy itself. In the alternative medicine world, this is directly related to self-hatred. Many degenerative diseases are rooted in self-hatred, according to alternative medicine. If this is too ethereal, the truth is that the medical world has no explanation for Lupus so ethereal is the only explanation that I can accept. I am the seeker of WHY and without a WHY, I can’t proceed so this is the why that I accept. I thought of suicide often in my life but have never attempted it. I believe that my poor feelings for myself turned my own body against me. If I couldn’t kill it through some external actions…my immune system would.
My Lupus is chronic, it may or may not go into remission at some point but it has illuminated my life because it produced awareness. Just like alcoholics anonymous or any other help group, the first step is realizing that you have a problem. People with depression usually look outside of themselves for the problem that causes their depression. Death in the family, childhood abuse, loss of a relationship, etc. For acute depression, these are viable reasons for a temporary state of depression that comes with mourning, mourning a loss of some sort. Chronic depression though, goes well beyond the mourning period of the average loss. Everyone has different tolerance for emotional distress that comes from genetic and environmental sources. A chronically depressed person likely has some degree of self-hatred that prevents them from allowing themselves to be happy or content. If a person can’t let themselves be happy or content…they will not be happy or content, no matter what.
Many people look for happiness and contentment through external sources. Having money makes life easier to live but doesn’t make you happy or content. Having the most popular person at school as your boyfriend or girlfriend may make you popular or accepted in the popular circle but will not make you happy or content. Having the most trendy clothes or the best car or the most beautiful house may make you feel successful but won’t make you happy or content. Happiness or contentment truly does come from within. Sounds like a cliché? Money, expensive possessions are not bad things. They may help motivate you to work harder but they will not bring lasting happiness or contentment. I will never personally give up my modest belongings because we all need to have some things in our lives. I just know that these things are not going to bring me lasting happiness or contentment. I will only be happy or content when I accept myself, when I know within me that I am a good and worthy person.
The good thing is that we are born as good and worthy people. If life has taken away your ability to feel good and worthy, you CAN get it back. Even if you have done things that are not good, that you believe make you unworthy, you can get it back. The past is gone and is useful only to learn from. The present is the only thing that you can do something about. So right now, accept yourself; your life has brought you to where you are and you can’t change the past. If you don’t like where you are in life then make a promise to yourself to be good. Being good is easy – just don’t intentionally harm others. Like a recovering alcoholic, you may fall off the wagon but just get back on. Accept that you are human and you will make mistakes. Don’t blame others for these mistakes, take responsibility and then re-assert your dedication to being good. If you have something to give to others (which we all do) give it freely. It may be that you have a smile and the ability to tell someone to have a great day. You may have the ability to listen to someone in their time of need. You may have half a sandwich to give to someone who has no food. You may have a few hours to volunteer somewhere in your community.
One caution I give is that doing everything for everyone is not possible or healthy. If you constantly feel the need to do everything for everyone, it may be that you are searching for your happiness or contentment in this type of behaviour. As good as it may seem to do everything for everyone, it is a sign that you are not happy or content from within. When you are happy from within, you realize that you need some you time, some rest, some calm. Every day, do something that you like. Not something that you think is good for you by someone else’s standards, do something that you really like.
Another caution I give is to listen more than you speak. Most people can talk themselves into solutions to problems, if they have someone to listen. giving unsolicited advice or judgements. When you have a full mind, find someone who can be a sounding board so you can talk out loud. Talking out loud engages your senses and helps you to problem solve.
You can set boundaries with people because as a worthy person, you can assert yourself and you don’t have to accept being mistreated. Others can also assert their boundaries with you. If you can take this without feeling rejected, you won’t have any reason to hate or resent. Know that everyone else carries around the weight of their lives that may hold them down, hold them back or make them lash out.
When life seems heavy, know that you are good and worthy of love.