In my World everything was as it should be when I was 17: I was happy, succeeding at University, making lots of friends and going out with a lovely bloke (bonus!). And then? Then gradually in the Summer everything began crumbling around me. I couldn’t understand it. But then neither could I understand the walls of perspex that seemed to surround me when I made any kind of attempt to communicate with friends…or staff..or…or ANYONE. I felt as though I was screaming in silence – desperate to be heard but unable to make either sufficient noise or find the right words. I had NO idea what to do……and had also started self harming.
Fortunately some of my friends did and they sent me of to my local Doctor armed with a piece of paper on which I had written a list of all the things that were worrying me. I saw her for a few appointments and then she told me that she’d like me to see a psychiatrist. I agreed as I felt my worsening symptoms merited this (I was feeling quite paranoid and hallucinating quite a lot). Seeing the psychiatrist was okay, he listened to me and, yes, put me on some medication. Obviously it wasn’t the easiest time in the World and it took some time to find the right combination of medication for me.
During this time I had to drop out of Uni as I was unable to keep up with my studies but the point I really want to make is that I returned to successfully complete my Degree a few years later. Later on I was to have 6 hospital admissions – and discovered eventually that if I wanted to get my health more stable I was going to have to start saying what was going on in my head. So I started to let the nurses into my mental world and it was ok. They give me ways to cope with things better, learn to deal with situations that I had avoided before plus medication which helped. So my advice is – open up from the start – don’t waste your life by not letting folk now exactly what you are seeing, hearing, believing etc – it is normal, they have heard it all before and will not be shocked.- you ain’t going to the first person to says this stuff and you certainly won’t be the last. You are not going mad btw either – it is just symptoms of mental distress – that is all and these symptoms can be helped. And it is all very frightening – I was scared out my wits. My only regret is that I took so long to let myself get that help. And hospital care is ok too – it is where people go to get better. And I learnt how not to self harm anymore and use a more healthy way of dealing with my life. If your world is troubled mentally do realize it is not something you can get over on your own – you need help and support – so speak to a counsellor or doctor and find the help you need.
It is my hope that having a diagnosis of bipolar (as I have) does not spell the end of a productive life. I have in my time represented Scotland at squash and captained Scottish Universities at indoor hockey and soccer. I have played in a rock band that has toured the UK and LA. I have also written three books “The Naked Bird Watcher”, “The Snow Globe Journals” and “When Do I Get My Shoelaces Back?” I am also a musician and have written songs about how I felt – including the self harming – so the lyrics might help you if you want to have a look even if you don’t fancy the music. I am not writing this paragraph to show off but to inspire and encourage anyone with a mental health problem to do their utmost to reach their full potential.
Years ago I thought I was a total basket case – and would never have a life. time, good care and support but it did see me recover – and now? Well I am working and married but I would never have believed that would happen if you had told me that when I was ill. So never give up hope.
Take care and travel safely, Suzy