I have heard many people call me selfish for wanting to take my life. My friends don’t seem to understand how I could have thought about being so cruel to them.
I want to attempt to clarify why it might seem that way.
Now, I understand it. It does make a lot of sense, a person wallowing in self pity leaves their loved ones behind to deal with the loss. It can SEEM selfish. One thing that could be understood is a person suicide isn’t an attack on you. As much as it could feel that way, especially with all the guilt you feel being left behind. People with contemplating suicide don’t think with the logic others do. Telling them they are being selfish only brings upon more reasons to continue down the path of destruction they are currently on. They believe they are horrible despicable beings, whose relatives and friends are always better off without them. To them, waking up everyday has the pain of a million needles, only to be worsened as the day continues. They don’t see happiness anymore; they explain it away to some deeper darker rationale. Every smile has a dark motive, every gift is asking for something done in return. They constantly feel failure (with family, at work, etc) when there is none. This is their reality.
When they do reach out, as many often do, they are usually met with confusion and misunderstanding from their loved ones. They attempt to explain how they are feeling and are met with a healthy person’s logic. Let me explain something… Many suicide patients know that there are people out there whose life is worse than theirs. They have tried to get a hobby, exercise, or try new things. They have tried to “just get over it”. People who mention these things and other quick fixes are applying fixes that will not help someone. I would even go as far as to say they could leave someone feeling more alone and more misunderstood than ever before. Hey! Trust me when I say I totally understand why people say those things. It feels like they helped, and that feeling is great to rid themselves of any guilt they could feel. However, it will not help a friend who really needs you to listen to them right now, regardless of how uncomfortable it could make you feel.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where a friend, family member or even someone you hardly know approaches you saying they will commit suicide, or something of the sort here are some few tips to help you navigate the situation ( for more information visit the QPR site listed below).
- When asking if they are thinking of committing suicide make sure to ask the question outright. Ask “Are you thinking of committing suicide?” . Questions like “You’re not thinking of committing suicide are you?” ask for negative responses and the person is more likely to lie about their true intentions.
- Listen or even ask them if they have a plan. If they plan is very general (i.e. no real details just a general feeling of wanting out) means you should still stay with them and get them help, but if a plan is very detailed (ie. I will commit suicide next Wednesday by hanging self in my kitchen”) Do Not Leave them. Or let them out of your sights. This is a high risk situation.
- Try to get the person to accept going to therapy. Offer to go with them or drive them to the emergency if necessary. Attempt to show them the options in your area if you know them.
- The most important step: Listen, sometimes all they need to do is talk. Listening is one of the best things you could do. Try your hardest not to judge, and only ask questions pertaining to finding out more information about what is going through their head. Try to keep it on this topic as long as you can.
For those of you who are interested in learning more, or doing training to ensure you are the best prepared for this type of situation, I encourage you to visit these sites:
The QPR Institute (pretty much the same idea of what I just walked you through) :
http://www.qprinstitute.com/
Take part in an ASIST program:
http://www.livingworks.net/page/Applied%20Suicide%20Intervention%20Skills%20Training%20(ASIST)
Read up on some of the signs that someone might need help here:
https://mindyourmind.ca/mental-health-wellness/suicide/
I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope with the most sincere hope I can muster that you will never ever have to deal with such a situation.
Peace and Love
by Angela Hartlin
by Tabitha, age 19
by Ariel, age 13
by Emo-Chick, age 14
by Alicia