trying is all you can do

as i ponder these questions
and all your suggestions
i start to think about these ways
cuz ive drank away so many days
and you asked my why
to find the answer i try
does it give me control?
or does it just take a toll
on myself and my being
or am i just fleeing
from the turth and the problems
as i sit here trying to solve em’
it takes me back to when it all started
to my innocence when i was open-hearted
and honestly i dont know have the answer
n not knowing creeps up like caner
i can control the subtances i abuse
and it gives me an excuse
for when i dissapoint myself and the ones i love
something im not proud of
at least i have something to blame
intead of facing my own shame
cuz if i were clean
and i became mean
id have to accept
and no longer precept
that that is me
100% drug free
and thats not what i want
i want to change my font
be happy with me
10000% subtance free
so does it give me control
yeah, it makes me feel whole
for a bit i dont feel broken
for a bit, i can just smile
at anything
and thats what i want