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Hating Freedom

I don’t know about you but I have never really been away from my parents all alone. I spent the first 18 years of my life under the watchful eyes of my parents or someone who was in someway responsible for me, at the very least guiding me. All of a sudden I was thrust into total independence, living all alone and not asking for any permission (at least everything non-financial) I am my own boss, and honestly I hate it.

When I finally came to terms with how I felt, my first thought was, “What is wrong with me?”. Everyone longs for freedom, “can’t wait to leave the nest,'' so to speak. I had a healthy amount of space; I am confident, independent, and theoretically should be thrilled to answer to no one. God knows I never asked much before! What kind of person doesn’t love making their own decisions, and calls to get approval and make choices? I was homesick for a little while but that had no connection to what I was feeling. Honestly speaking, I was never good at making choices, especially if I felt they impacted others as well; something as simple as “where should we eat?”. We live in a world with so many choices even adults can’t make all the right ones, let alone me, especially not choices that affect my own life!

I feel responsible for myself and my choices, I have no one to pin this all on if it goes south and honestly I am terrified! I have my parents’ trust and expectations on top of my own and it’s a lot. I want to excel and be involved, as well as be social and find a job and finding a healthy balance with no parental guidance and no one to help me set my limits. How am I supposed to achieve all of this with no one to tell me “no” or “get up and get out there”? How do you “parent” yourself?

I am still trying to figure that out, I know I have people to count on but this is something I have to figure out by myself for myself. I went through all the stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and think I am making it to acceptance. I know I might take a couple steps back, this is hardly a linear process, but I am ok with that. I have to keep looking forward, and putting all this down helped me straighten myself out a bit and made me feel a little less overwhelmed. Suffice to say it is ok to be a little, or a lot, lost and scared of figuring out who you are and what you stand for and what your limits are; you are definitely not the only one navigating this storm. I don’t know how my ship will dock, or in what condition. I do know its my job to sail it and that however, and whenever the storm will pass, and it’s always ok to ask for help.