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Managing to celebrate (little victories over BPD brain)
I locked the doors. I closed the theatre. My literature review was done. My shift was over. I was walking alone with a week old Happy Birthday balloon.
The balloon’s stick was four feet long, a stiff plastic straw bouncing on the concrete. The night was cool, and I had no one to celebrate with except the streetcar.
BPD-brain told me to go home and tidy. Or sleep; get ready for the next wave of work. Recover my battery power and oil the machine – just cause it’s over doesn’t mean it’s done. Robot worker, tireless mind, emotionless human.
But I went into the yoghurt shop. Froyo was my new indulgence, obscenely encouraged by the local-to-work Menchies. It was overly colourful, late in their shift, and busy with summer wannabes. I put my balloon on a chair and made my cup with raspberry tart, cake batter, and blackberry sorbet.
I walked into the night and slowly savoured each taste. I did it. I bought myself a yoghurt. I called no one for reassurance. I did it in order to celebrate. I was alone. I bought a yoghurt, mom, all by myself! Ridiculous, yes. But I beat BPD-brain. I beat it to the ground. I celebrated myself. I ate that yoghurt and it was delicious. I walked home awkwardly keeping the balloon out of the yoghurt cup with two fingers, while I ate with the other hand.
Over the park, a corn moon rose, a golden moon the size of an enormous dollar – the colour of my cake batter yoghurt. It watched me while I walked through the park towards home, slurping the last drops of sweetness.
Christina is a graduate student of linguistics and anthropology. She loves to rock climb and be with dogs. She's been diagnosed with anxiety disorders, depression and borderline personality disorder for the past three years, and began writing in the hopes of making her experiences accessible to everyone else, to help the world see what it felt like. You can find her full blog collection at ardentmarbles.
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