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Painting Over

I’ve been putting off painting and rearranging my home for quite some time. Now that I have made a plan with my mom to get the process going, I can feel the fear starting to bubble up inside me. Yes, that’s right. I said fear. Does it sound weird to be afraid to FINALLY make my space my own? Well, whether it does, or it doesn’t, that’s my truth. 

I have been living in my home for 6 years now and between having babies, waiting on a long distance partner to move in, and then eventually asking that person to move out as a natural step of the dissolution of our relationship, I feel like I have spent this entire time waiting for the right time. Some people say the time is never right. I wish I could say this to be true in my case, but literally, the time has never been more right. So why my fear?

It was hard to ignore the lump of fear in my throat when I began to seriously make plans to organize the details. I’ve been to counselling on and off since high school, made it through a gruelling 3 years of the Child and Youth Worker program where there is an intense focus on healing and growth, and have become a 7th Degree Reiki Master. At this stage in my healing, I am keenly aware of my own stuff, honest about what is going on within my mind and heart, and this fear definitely had me wondering what the heck was up! The anxiety over doing these minor renovations had me feeling intensely overwhelmed.  

After a few conversations with others, and also myself, around why I was feeling this way, I began to see through the fear and anxiety. The picture became a bit more clear and I realized I had been putting off claiming my home, as mine.  I currently rent my townhouse and always saw myself as living there temporarily. The reality is, that one day I will be in a position to be a homeowner. Another component to my reality is that I don’t have a clear plan on when. I will be living where I am for at least another 4 years (unless I win the lottery, which I am totally open to).  

Dysfunctionally, I felt like I was admitting defeat if I dolled up my current home and it was a betrayal of bigger and better things to come. Here’s a concept I have been slowly thawing out in my heart; blooming where you’re planted is one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves. I have been working so hard over the past 8 years to get my life where I want it to be, that I have been denying myself the pleasure of making today enjoyable! This incorrect thought of “I can’t be happy until I’m in my next step” has been sabotaging me from making the most of what is happening today. In some ways, this has felt like that old expression “eating crow”, which seriously just sounds nasty...although, if I had to eat crow, I’d like to believe it could. And in a figurative sense, I have eaten crow many times. And one thing I hate to do, is to admit that I am wrong (I know, insert eye roll)...and I have been aligning with the wrong perspective for my situation. I love my home. And I deserve to take it to the next level and really create a space that I love even more. For me. For my kids. And I deserve it. Having lived as working poor for soooo many years, and literally having zero dollars in my bank account with bills waiting to be paid, student loans being due, childcare, rent, etc., etc., had me feeling down about myself and my worth and my level of adulting. I definitely wasn’t feeling on par with my peers and I was punishing myself for being less than...

Funny how areas that need healing will manifest in subtle ways! As far as I have come, and for all of the healing work I have done, this current internal struggle was a trigger for me. It was a warning. I was punishing myself for not being where I wanted to be, or thought I would be at this point in my life. I was denying myself pleasure and it was extending into the aesthetic of my home! Dysfunction is so damn sneaky sometimes!

Here’s what I know about this current “issue”. I have a plan to get my space in order and a face lift. I need to keep breathing through my triggers and that swell of fear/anxiety/dysfunction. I’m going to remind myself that I have come so f*cking far, and that I deserve to have a beautiful interior of my home; somewhere my whole family can feel ease, peace, and joy. We all deserve it!