I was dragged to Twilight: New Moon on Saturday and it was quite a learning experience!

Twilight helps women understand that men are in charge and that we know what’s best for you at all times. When we tell you not to do something you’d damned well better know your place. If you ask too many questions we will dismiss you (“You should go home now”) and even when your man leaves town, remember that you still belong to him.

Edward loves Bella. He loves her so much that he sneaks around, following her, seeing what she’s up to, sneaking into her house and watching her sleep, etc. He doesn’t like her friends and doesn’t like when she sees other people. Apparently in one of the later books he doesn’t let her drive herself to visit Jacob. Edward makes Bella ride in his car where he drops her off at the rez and then picks her up again when the play date is over. She isn’t allowed to go out by herself unsupervised. Edward loves her that much! When Bella does something silly or dangerous he’s there to rescue her from her own female stupidity with his awesome manly strength. He loves her so much that he leaves her, never to return. However he makes her promise him that she will behave herself and obey his rules forever.

Bella, being a weak helpless woman, cries herself to sleep in the woods and has to be rescued. For months she wakes up screaming from night terrors because she can’t bear to be apart from a man who keeps her in line. Her father is too soft and understanding to do the job, he’s just there for comedy relief and to occasionally look sad.

Then there’s Jacob, the little native boy from the rez. He’s all grown up and manly now; like totally buff! Jacob is a werewolf, which means he’s unnaturally aggressive and could potentially hurt Bella if she makes him mad. The wolf pack leader’s wife has a huge scar on her face because she got her husband mad and he couldn’t control himself. And I shit you not, we’re supposed to feel sorry for the guy because of the guilt he feels for hurting his wife!!!

So it’s a love triangle between an absentee stalker vampire boyfriend who likes to play fucked up mind games and a potentially abusive (physically threatens one of Bella’s normal friends) werewolf boyfriend. All the while Bella deliberately tries to hurt herself, tells everyone how she wants to die, and acts like a stereotypical batshit crazy ex-girlfriend. They’re all made for each other because all any of them talk about is how they’ll hurt themselves or each other if anyone tries to leave.

In summation, good lessons from the Twilight series that all young girls should absorb:

• I love you so much that I’m willing to hurt myself and others to prove it

• Don’t ask questions, I’m too complicated and you’re too stupid to understand

• I am here to protect you because you’re too weak to survive without me

• Your friends are bad, I’m the only person in your life now. You can hang with my friends only

• Your parents don’t understand because they don’t love you like I do

• Don’t anger me, I can’t live with the guilt if you make me hurt you

• I know what’s best and I will keep you safe by making sure you can never disobey me

• Even if we break up, you still belong to me and I will continue to control your life

• You are better off dead than without me

So, yeah, New Moon was quite a movie. I’m going to get a vasectomy now to ensure that I never have a daughter!

Written by Mike