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My Story About Anxiety
i use to be a happy kid who laughed n joked but somewhere along the way i seem to have lost my ways. my parents marriage has been unstable since i was a baby but i dont even remember half the shit they did. theyd break up n make up all the time, he treated our family like shit, we walked around the house on eggshells when he was home. one plate on the counter or a pair of shoes not in the closet when he came home n wed hear what a piece of shit we are til he was satisfied n passed out. the only reason my mom kept going back was because she never wanted to be finiantially unstable for her 3 kids. it got really bad bout 3 n a half years ago, i found out i was depressed and started taking anti depressants. but my dad said i didnt need them n convinced me to stop bout 5 weeks in.
when i stopped the anti depressants i was introduced to the beautiful plant called marijuana. i didnt realize it at the time but i guess because of how low i was my body starting depending on the weed. since the day i started, grade 8, to now ive smoked weed every single day multiple times a day. but not just weed something called a popper, usually least 20 a day, weed on top of tabbaco smoked thru a bong. it helped my anxiety and it made me happy, for the moment. 3 years later i find myself addicted to anything that will make me feel not like me. weather itd be weed, shrooms, pain killers, cough medicine, booze, i just wanted the pain to stop, and it did for a bit, until i got so lost in my addiction that i didnt even know what i was running away from anymore. just wanted to be high or drunk, anything but me.recently quit the weed cuz i started back up on anti anxietys and anti depressants bout a week ago n its the hardest thing ive ever had to let go of, i just want it so bad.
but back to the beggining, what fucked me up in the first place. my dad is one of the most verbally abusive man i know, he kicked me down more times than i could ever even try to pick myself up. n my mom wouldnt step in because she knew itd just cause more fighting n screaming n cursing. but i didnt care cuz when he was at my mom or brother or sister, i couldnt shut my mouth, id never let them feel like they didnt have anyone whod have thier back.n now when i get mad i can say some of the cruelest words n i sure as hell dont mean them its just what happens. its all i knew, if you wanted to be heard you had to scream and curse and insult the person you were just trying to express your feelings to.or so i thought, or so i thought that was all i knew, and still today i cant help myself sometimes, i just go off the deep end n i cant control it, it's all ive ever known. one of the biggest things that fucked me up was when my dad was such an ass to my mom she was so fucking drunk off her ass she stumbled upstairs n tried swallowing a bottle of pills right infront of me, i was bout 13 at the time, my dad hit her n she spit more than half them out. first time ive ever seen my dad hit my mom but i guess it was to stop her.
n now when my moms drunk n upset cuz her new bfs a fucking dick too i feel like i have to hide all meds in the house cuz im scarred she'll do something without thinking. n believe me i know whats its like on that end, ive cut, drank a bottle of cough medicine hoping itd kill me, had the pills right infront of, even wrote the letter many timesyet somehow i always woke up in the morning. took it as a sign you know, that i meant to be here, im here to help kids in my shoes and change the world. niave little dreams i thought were real, but i guess they were real because those dreams are what kept me going this long.n after all the shit my fammys been thru , we just wanted to see our mom happy, to be treated like gold they way she deserved to be treated, but she met a man who was my dad to the t. they break up n make up least once a week, shes devestated least once a week and that spose to be okay? after all she went thru to get away from my dad, all the times he pulled her back in when she was at her lowest, she went to a man exactly like him who treated her the same way just put a pretty bow on it so ppl would think otherwise. she deserves so much better, her pain is painful to watch. i wish i could do for her just half of what shes done for us but i dont know how.
i hated my dad so much n the feeling was mutual, i didnt want anyhting to do with him. til i went over one night n his heart kept stopping hed do this siezure thing, scarry shit. so we had to call an ambiannce to take him to the hoppy where we found out his pace maker doesnt work anymore n he had to get surgery for a mechanical one. kinda like a wake up call, ive never looked at my dad the same way i did when i was 5 years old and i thought he was my super hero, but if i didnt give my dad the chance to get to know his daughter, n then it was to late, id be so regretful, so i let go of the hate n i let him back into my life, but its the hardest thing in the world because hes the reason im so fucked up now, or maybe hes just my excuse, clearly im not to positive bout that yet. i just keep getting so stuck in the past n hes so over it, but hes not the one who had to recover.
mom n dads court battle still going on n a nast one at that. ive never not been in the middle, guess im like the mediator of the fammy so everyone tells me how the other persons wrong n expects me to repreach it to them in a way they understand. both my parents have called the cops on me multiple times for weed usually, both have kicked me out multiple times, both are drunks, both have told me they hated me n its my fault they cant make it work. my moms just always been there for me, shes my best friend n i dont care what shes done shes the closest person to understanding me n thats an amazing feeling. my whole story whould be a novel but my point is thru all this shit, idno who i am anymore, i dont know what i want, i dont know where i lost myself, and i dont know the point to any of this shit anymore. my tatto says someday n its all i say when i feel like leaving the easy way. someday ill be okay, ill have a fammy, ill change the world, id save a life, just someday. but again just a naive little dream because someday my life wont just miracuasly get better, theres gunna be shit my whole life. i just gotta leanr to deal with it.
by madii, age 16
by Oddity, age 20
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