Beating Bulimia

Its kind of strange how much people influence you. Even stranger how you influence yourself. I am not a survivor and I am not a victim. After years of struggling with Bulimia and self injury, I decided I didnt want to be classified as either because I was better than that. Let me start out by telling you my story.I have been in recovery for just over a year now, and let me start of by saying a lot of people who deal with eating disorders or self injury etc, have came from unbearable back grounds such as mental, physical, emotional abuse, or something traumatic etc. Me on the other hand, well I was very fortunate to come from a loving, caring, supportive family. But for some reason I still ended up with a monster I call bulimia.When I was 12 years old, I realized I was a lot taller than all the other girls in my school. When I was 12 and going into my first year of jr high I was standing tall at 5'9. It never had an impact on me until the older girls at school would call me "Giant" or "Daddy long legs" or when all the boys in the school liked all the shorter girls. It was hard to cope with so for about a year I lived like the hunch back of notre dame. I would slouch, wear clothes that made me look shorter and avoid school pictures or sports that would emphasize my height.One day, the boy I had a huge crush on, called me fat. FAT. F-A-T. It amazes me how hard and horrible that stung me and left a permanent bruise on my ego. It crushed me that the boy I thought I loved thought I was fat. That night I went home and decided I needed to change.My thought process was "Okay. If you cant be short and beautiful, you can be tall and skinny." I went on the internet and searched fast ways to lose weight. I ended up in dangerous sites called "Thinspiration" websites. Where they list tips and tricks to stay sick and un healthy. At the time, I thought this is what I had been searching for so I tried the first trick I saw. "Only eat x calories." That lasted about 2 days on and off because I couldnt stand being hungry so I would immediately going into these horrible binging and purging episodes that I learned from the webistes.There was something different about purging for me. I had finally found that escape I had been searching for. Now i was 13 when this all started now, so I was still young and I know being so young and getting involved with a mental illness deffinitly hurt my natural growth.I remember when my family would go to sleep or when I was home alone, I would creep around eating as much food as I could then going to a bathroom turning all the water on and throwing it up. Im not going to lie and say I didnt know I had a problem because the entire time Bulimia was in my life, I knew it. And she made sure I knew it but focused it in a postive energy by saying things like "Look. You can eat whatever you want and not gain a pound... The other girls cant do that".It was an amazing feeling to know that I excelled at something no one else did. I did horrible at school, didnt do sports. music and bulimia were my escape. After this behavior carried on for 5 years of my life, I had encountered many health issues and made excuses & lies that I was honestly fine when I was living a lie. I had mouth and stomach ulcers that were horribly painful. A low heart rate, irregular electrolytes, a loss of hair, yellow teeth, swollen cheeks, a loss of memory and the list goes on. I lost contact with my friends because I couldnt eat normal meals without binging and I was scared they were going to think I was an animal. It was lonely going through highschool alone.After years of struggling with this disorder, I reached out for help.On may 12th I asked my parents to take me down to the childrens hospital. There, I was immediately taken down to the emergency, hooked up to an IV and put on bed rest. They told me that if i left the hospital and continued with my behaviours, I would probably have a heart attack and the chances were VERY high for the condition I was in. I was scared. I remember just thinking how my bulimia betrayed me. She told me I was so great and a winner. I felt so lost and vulnerable. After 2 weeks in the hospital they let me go and I was put into a treatment program.There I learned how to eat proper meals, deal with my urges, my hurt and letting go of bulimia. Losing bulimia is like losing a friend you thought always had your best interests at heart but in reality didnt. I was completely taken of guard of everything my bulimia had caused me.Coming out of 14 weeks of treatment, going back home scared me. I was scared my family was going to feel at fault, (which my mother did) and they would treat me different. That scared me and gave me a lot of anxiety. My sibilings didnt understand and for a long time didnt believe I had any issue and it was just a lie. They were in denial, and didnt really support me. My dad and mom were very understanding and did everything they could to keep me strong.I relapsed 3 or 4 times but I am still well and at a healthy weight. I am 5'11 and I remember stepping on the scale weighing x pounds. I am now a healthy x and im proud to share my weight. I realize that the scale does not define you.I am also now proud of my height and that I was lucky enough to beat my eating disorder.

by StayStrongSW, age 18