How to Talk to a Counsellor

Talking to a counsellor can help you to better understand your options and problem solve more effectively. It will focus on specific actions and goals to improve your situation. For example, a high school or college student might talk to a counsellor about school stress, feeling anxious about the future, or dealing with things like identity, relationships, or family pressure.

While counsellors often deal with the same kinds of problems as therapists do, they tend to work with clients experiencing less complex issues and for shorter periods of time. Counselling does not typically include an in-depth analysis of past events. Short-term counselling is available in places like campus wellness centres, youth clinics, and free or low-cost community programs.

On the first counselling appointment, counsellors do their best to help you feel comfortable, and to gather as much important information as possible. You’ll probably be asked quite a few personal questions, so just answer honestly, and feel free to ask some questions yourself. This session is your chance to ask questions about privacy, what your parents can know, and how your info is shared.

Filling Out Intake Forms

You may also be asked to fill out forms in order to help assess your needs, concerns and overall situation. These are often called “intake” forms, and they are standard across many practices. They include questions like this:

• What made you come here today?
• How long have you been feeling this? What seems to have started this problem?
• What seems to help?

Asking yourself these questions in advance can help you mentally prepare for talking about your problem or background. If you’re feeling nervous or don’t know what to say, it can help to write down a few notes before your appointment.

Counselling and/or therapy are both based on a shared agreement, a decision made by you and the professional you work with to focus on your personal goals and overall wellbeing.

Every counsellor explains this shared agreement in different ways, but it often includes the intention to:

Be Present

Put bluntly, when you sign up for counselling, you are making a commitment to work on your stuff. This means that you will, at minimum, show up to every session scheduled for you. So, show up. If you can do nothing more than sit at your counsellor’s office, that’s ok. In turn, your counsellor will be present and dedicated to you for the duration of your session.

Share What You’re Comfortable With

Together, you’ll be working to understand what’s going on, and to find ways for change to occur. Your counsellor will need to hear about your life from you and can only work with what you tell them. So, share as much as you feel comfortable with. If you don’t know where to get started, say so. In turn, your counsellor will give you clear information about how she/he can help, how many sessions you have together, and about your rights as a client (such as knowing how your session-information is kept confidential).

Remain Respectful

Mutual respect is essential. You and your counsellor will work together towards your well-being. In doing so, you both agree to respect each other, your goals and yourselves. Respect will also include honouring confidentiality and patient rights. In Canada, your privacy is protected by law and professional rules. The only time information might be shared is if there’s a safety concern or risk of harm.

If you don’t feel comfortable the first time you meet a counsellor, remember that you might feel better the next time you go. It’s common for people to go to several sessions before they feel they can trust or like the counselling professional they’re seeing.

It’s important to feel comfortable and safe with the person you choose. Each counsellor will have his or her own style, approach and personality. If you’re sure you do not have a good connection with this person, ask to see someone else.

If you can, make yourself a list of what worked and did not work with the previous counsellor. Be frank. This list will help you and others find someone who is a better fit for you.

Remember, you may not like the first person you meet, but that doesn’t mean counselling is a lost cause. Eventually, you’ll meet someone you can work with. Just keep trying!

Contrary to what many people think, the counselling relationship is not about getting advice. Instead, your counsellor will help to:

• make the time and space to figure out what’s happening.
• question the way you look at things, the way you behave or react to situations or people.
• develop new strategies for dealing with your situation.

Counsellors do this by getting to know you, developing an understanding of your circumstances, listening to what you have to say, and by offering support and insight. That’s their job.

How Counselling Differs from Talking to Friends or Family

The counselling relationship is not like talking to a friend or parent. Counsellors aren’t like friends or family, they’re trained pros who listen, support you, and keep things private.

It won’t be like sharing your feelings with a parent or a friend or a brother or sister. You know these people and they know you. They know about your past, whether you’re a morning person or what you like to eat. They might know about your dreams and who you love. And they will be there for you in the years to come. You know enough about them, to know who you can talk to and who you can trust. Of course, you can’t always be sure that some of them won’t tell others about your personal problems or mental health struggles. But they will be there to celebrate your successes, like graduation or landing the dream job or the wedding. They may also be there for you at 4 a.m. when you are feeling lost or scared or depressed.

“I see this picture on the desk. A smiling guy in cutoffs and a tee shirt, with his family. The guy in the room wears a suit. He sits behind the desk. He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t look or act anything like the guy in the picture. I’d rather be counselled by the guy in the picture.”

It’s true that sometimes counselling can feel cold or impersonal. You’re expected to bare your soul to someone who apparently has no first name, no life and no personality beyond their job. The problem here is not the counsellor: it is the nature of the counselling relationship. The counselling relationship is just not like any other and it doesn’t follow any of the normal patterns. For a lot of people, talking to a professional feels easier because there’s less pressure to impress or please anyone.

Counselling as a Partnership

The counselling relationship is a partnership.

Most of the time, the counselling relationship is about you sharing your feelings with a stranger. This stranger is your partner in your wellbeing. You will not know much about your counsellor’s life, for example, if they have children, or their children’s names. But this relationship will be all about you. It is the only kind of relationship that is just about you and your needs.

Despite differences in agencies and service providers, one thing is true for all: the counselling relationship is a partnership between you and a professional dedicated to giving you the skills, the knowledge and the resources to allow you to get unstuck or for you to get control of your life. This partnership allows you to take advantage of everything the counsellor knows to help you improve your situation.

Below is a list of other things you can expect from counselling. If in doubt, print this list and bring it to your session to discuss with your counsellor.

Information and Facts

At the start of your session, your counsellor should explain your rights, what you’re responsible for, and what’s going to happen. This includes things like:

• Confidentiality information. If you are under the age of 16, your counsellor will tell you exactly who he/she will share info with and when (Mom? Dad? Teacher?).
• Training and approach facts. Your service provider will describe their training and approach to their counselling, as well as the number of available sessions, the cost (if any) and the specific goals of that service. Note that some agencies only do assessment, while others only do certain kinds of treatment. All of this will be described in the first meeting with your counsellor. If you wish to hear it again, just ask.
• Information on what situations will cause your service agreement to end (such as missing too many sessions, attending a session while “under the influence,” etc.).
• Information on your right to read your record, and under what conditions.
• If applicable, information on any medications prescribed to you by the medical team, as well as their side effects, and at what point you should contact your practitioner if you have concerns.

Support for You to Understand the Treatment Information

There will be ample opportunities to ask questions about any part of your counselling treatment, including clarification about anything you do not understand or remember.

• Some counsellors will provide you with printouts or diagrams of ideas that matter to you. If you need to take notes, jot down thoughts, or take-home handouts with the information provided, simply say so. Most medications come with info sheets from the pharmacy. All of these are a good back up.
• The opportunity to bring a friend if you find you have trouble remembering everything you are told or just need additional support.

Ongoing Support in Between Sessions

Part of effective counselling includes planning for ongoing support and safety even after your sessions end.

• Talk to your counsellor about bringing a list of issues to talk about, with the most critical ones noted or any questions you need answered.
• Ask about working out a safety plan for between sessions, when the counsellor is not available, or for online or community resources. Fill out a Coping Kit and discuss it with your counsellor.

Respect the Whole Way Through

Respect is key in counselling. You should always feel heard, valued, and included in every step of the process.

• You may not like the answers or wish they were different, but for the most part, you have the right to be informed, which means that the issues were discussed and that you understand the reasoning behind a decision. This is especially important when issues of “consent” are involved even though your consent may not be required.
• Treatment is hard, courageous work. You will sometimes feel depleted or sad because of a counselling session, or in between sessions. Many factors add to this, such as initial reaction to medications, stirring up painful memories, etc. Talk to your counsellor about this: explain your concerns and share how the effort is affecting you. He/she is there to support you.