What’s Wrong with My Friend?

If you are concerned about a friend’s wellbeing, but don’t know exactly what’s wrong, it’s a good idea to seek out more information from trusted sources.

Canadian health services such as Health Canada and the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) recommend observing patterns of change over time, rather than reacting to one stressful day.

Often, friends know each other in deeper or different ways from the way teachers, guidance counsellors or even parents know a young person. If your instincts are telling you that something is wrong, it’s important to follow up on that. These instincts are often based on repeated observations rather than assumptions.

There’s no harm in starting a casual conversation about your concerns. Be open and honest with your friend. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed you have seemed more tired or stressed since school started again. How are you doing?” If you think they are in need of urgent help, find out how to help them.

Canadian mental health experts advise looking for multiple signs appearing together, rather than one isolated behaviour.  Open up the conversation if you notice the following changes about your friend:

Emotional Shifts

If your friend is showing signs of sadness, helplessness, or hopelessness, it could suggest they are emotionally struggling. They may also express feelings of worthlessness, guilt, or shame, or appear unusually tired or withdrawn. Symptoms like anger, confusion, and irritability may indicate they are overwhelmed by their emotions. For instance, a friend who once enjoyed skating or playing basketball may begin avoiding activities they normally enjoy and express negative thoughts about themselves. If you observe these behaviours, it can be helpful to reach out.

Uncharacteristic Behavioural Changes

Your friend may begin behaving in ways that are noticeably different from their usual personality, such as:

• isolating him/herself
• having difficulty making decisions
• acting aggressively
• losing their temper at the smallest thing
• giving away prized possessions
• partying excessively
• using substances more than usual
• having unsafe sex or changes in libido
• missing a lot of school, university, or work
• crying all the time
• under- or overeating
• under- or oversleeping

When these behaviours appear together or escalate, they may indicate that your friend is struggling to cope.

Losing Touch with Reality

In some situations, your friend may appear disconnected from reality, including:

• seeing or hearing things that aren’t there
• experiencing delusions or hallucinations
• worried that other people are trying to harm them, even though there is no proof of this

These may be signs of psychosis. Early support and professional assessment can make a significant difference.

If you’ve noticed a variation of these types of changes, ask your friend if he/she is thinking about suicide. Asking directly shows that you take their wellbeing seriously and does not increase risk. Kids Help Phone offers confidential support for young Canadians. If the answer is yes, get immediate help for them.

There are several practical steps you can take to be supportive, from listening carefully to helping your friend access professional resources.

Talk to Your Friend

If there is no immediate danger, talk to your friend. Simply ask what’s wrong. Talk about what you’ve been noticing or what you’re concerned about and just listen to what your friend has to say. You may be worried about upsetting your friend, but he/she may be relieved that you asked and may appreciate being able to talk to someone.

Talk with your friend about your concerns. When you reach out to a friend, you’re letting them know that you care, and giving them an open door to discuss their feelings. Remember that they may not be ready to talk at the exact same moment you are. That’s okay. Let them know that the door is open for future conversation and that lots of support is available.

Encourage Professional Help for Recovery

Remind your friend that mental health issues are treatable health conditions. The sooner a person gets help, the sooner they can start recovering.

Professionals such as family doctors, psychologists, and registered social workers in Canada are trained to support people through mental health challenges. It’s common for people of all ages to be afraid of getting help from a professional. A process like that can be scary, especially if you’re not sure what it involves. You can offer to assist your friend in booking an appointment or calling local support services. Visit I Need to Talk to Someone, or go through that section with your friend.

Ask for Help in Supporting Your Friend

Don’t go at it alone! Ask for help in helping your friend. Reaching out to others you trust will help your friend in the long run. This may include a guidance counsellor at school, a trusted adult, or a healthcare provider in your community. Read How Can I Help My Friend to see what else you and others can do.

Remain Calm

Stay calm. It can be scary for friends to tell you what’s wrong. To make them feel more comfortable remind them you are there to listen and you care about them. You don’t need to know how to fix their situation, or even what words to say. Being present and caring is the important part.