It wasn’t until I started learning about psychology, how our brains work and how I can support the youth I was working with that I learned how important self-compassion is. If we can’t be compassionate to ourselves, this may affect our relationships, our outlook on life, and our ability to heal, learn, and grow! This year, the theme for Mental Health Week is Compassion Connects. The National CMHA website has some awesome resources for you to practice compassion and learn how it’s a key ingredient in connecting with yourself and others. This week, I wanted to take some time to share my favourite practices of self-compassion and encourage you to try them out (and hold compassion for yourself if you don’t!).
- Validating Yourself
Picture this. You’re 10 years old and you walk in the kitchen with your failed Math test in your hand. You have a pit in your stomach as you hand it to your mom. You say: “I’m so dumb. I should just quit school.”
Your mom responds, “You’re not dumb! You just need to study harder for the next test!”
Our parents want to protect us from negative feelings, but sometimes this can lead them to invalidate our feelings and leave us feeling that we have to carry the feelings alone. We learn that some feelings are unsafe or uncomfortable and try to avoid them or keep them to ourselves. Often our feelings need to be heard or felt in order for us to move through them. If you go back to your 10-year-old self in the kitchen, imagine your mom instead says “It makes sense that you’re feeling frustrated. It can be hard to learn new things!”
Validating feelings means accepting them, regardless of whether you agree or not. Often, we avoid or hide uncomfortable feelings, which can lead to invalidation. Instead, acknowledge your feelings by saying, “I notice I’m feeling __. It makes sense that I feel like this because…”
- Compassionate Self-Reflection Meditation
Dr. Kristin Neff is a leading researcher for Compassion-Focused Therapy and features research and myths about compassion, as well as different ways to practice compassion on her website, SelfCompassion.org. There are a lot of ways to cultivate compassion for yourself and others over time, but one of my favourite ways is through meditation. In particular, the Self-Compassion/Loving Kindness Meditation reminds me to give myself some grace for the mistakes that I make. Another exercise helps you explore how you would treat a friend and how it may feel to treat yourself in that same way.
A Note about Meditation:
If meditation has felt difficult in the past, know that sometimes it takes exploring to find a meditation practice or guide that feels right for you. Sometimes, you need to try different adaptations for it to feel helpful, such as keeping your eyes open and focusing on one spot or walking while meditating. For others, meditation may not be helpful in their lives at this time but keep experimenting because as your brain changes, the things that help can change, too.
- Notice “shoulds”
“Should” is a word loaded with expectations both past (“I should’ve taken out the garbage!) and future (“I should check in with…”). While “should” can motivate us, it also sets an expectation that the action we’re planning is “the right thing to do” and leaves us open to feeling failure.
Let’s try this: Think about something you need or want to do in the future and tell yourself, “I should…” Imagine you have a goal to exercise more, your sentence would look like: “I should go to the gym today”.
The “should” statement is full of expectations that, even if you complete the task, you’re left it may feel like marking off a minimum requirement rather than an achievement.
Let’s try a reframe. Try saying: “I know how good I feel after moving my body, so I want to go to the gym today”. When we take “should” out of the sentence and think of it in a new way, we remind ourselves why we’re planning to take that action and give ourselves the freedom to pursue the plan that we want to do.
By taking the time this week to add compassionate practices in your life for yourself or for others, you’re opening yourself up to seeing things in a new way and untangling some of the patterns from your past.
There are a million ways to care for your mental health and train your brain to support your well-being. Try taking some time this week to see if you want to add self-compassion practices to your routine, and explore our website for lots of other strategies to support your mental health. Our Wellness Tips, in particular, may give you some inspiration!