There is not much discretion when it comes to me choosing a mate when I’m ill. It seems that my M.O. is to fall for someone who also battles some form of mental illness – be it anxiety, depression, addiction, paranoia – the list drones on.
I tend to always fall for someone when I’m in the psych hospital. I guess it’s because they GET me, or at least they GET mental illness. Plus, the baring of one another’s souls in such a short period of time is misleading. You think, Gosh, I know so much about this person and we accept one another whole-heartedly. This is not a good idea to head down this path, even if you are convinced it IS the best idea at the time.
I dated one guy who I was very attracted to physically. He was tall and handsome and he was a contractor. He was so sweet and visited me every day in the hospital and then I him when he was in rehab. I felt good, knowing we were both wanting to be on the road to recovery. But he was battling bipolar and a nasty drug addiction. To me, it didn’t matter. I grew up with addiction and this is what I knew. I was going to fix him (cue alarm bells).
We moved in together almost immediately. We got a puppy. We started drinking together every night. I noticed how much he changed when he drank but thought, well, at least it’s not drugs. He was either a happy drunk or a very angry one. He hung around shady characters and started to lose color in his face. He was distancing himself away from me. I was ‘too good for him,’ he would say. I then found out he was using Crystal Meth. I had moved out at that point but I didn’t take my name off the lease, nor my Mom’s name as the Guarantor. A mistake I will never make again.
Months went by with no phone call from the Manager. Finally, after eight months, I get a call that no one had been paying rent and they were going to evict us. I called up my ex and left a voice mail saying how I couldn’t believe he would do that to not only me, but to let my mom foot the bill after she accepted him into her home. The next day, I headed to the old apartment to take my name off the lease and the superintendent informed me that, in the middle of the night, someone had come into the apartment, ran the tub water and blocked it and subsequently flooded the apartment. I knew it was him. I couldn’t call him out on it though because I was afraid of him. He became so unpredictable and I worried for the safety of my family (my little brothers and my mom). Who knew how he would react to confrontation while on drugs so I let it go.
I resented him and men in general for a long time and wondered what I would do if I ever ran into him. Even today, years later, I find myself with huge trust and commitment issues. I loved this man so much and it pained me to see him destroy his life and everyone in it. He was no longer the same person I fell for. It felt like mourning a deceased one you love.
Another guy I fell forever had serious paranoia. He was convinced the police were after him and that he was constantly being under surveillance. Me dating him was an equally bad idea because we would swap paranoia stories and thought it was great that the other person could understand how it felt. The problem? There was no one there to refute the paranoia. It would just strengthen and grow within one another. Together we were just a train wreck. I knew it but again, I worried about my safety and feared breaking up with him. Eventually I did, but, for months I worried about retaliation and constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn’t following me and out to kill me (this is where my head goes – always to the worst case scenarios).
I know so many of us long to be understood and validated but, at what cost? You are not well enough to be dating someone who is also not well enough. And with depression, you can be on different cycles and it’s entirely draining to track your moods let alone someone else’s.
I say it’s a better idea to date someone who can sympathize but not empathize. You have enough on your plate as it is. You can only deal with so much that it is okay to reject someone with a mental illness. It is exhausting having to take care of yourself, let alone the dire needs of someone else. Do not feel guilty about it. You must look after you. And, once you do that, the right mate will come along. Make it your mission to know what you do and don’t want in a relationship and then act accordingly.
Submitted by iwasnormalonce, age 36.