Dear self,
Right now, it’s probably half past midnight, as you weren’t able to settle down and sleep after the 10 o’clock curfew. As you look to the window left to your bed and gaze at the outside world, you will see that the city lights are your only source of light right now. Then you will look down to see a sign that says Hospital, and once again, take a deep sigh and lie on your back, looking at the ceiling while you wonder how you got here. Wondering how it took less than one minute for you to wait in the ER because when you registered yourself in the ER, your medical reason was listed under “Suicidal“; and wondering how you ended up at the D-6 section of the Hospital, which is for mental health inpatients for minors. You will spend the majority of the night- or, to be correct- early morning sleeping by the window, seeing the view of the city as the outside world moves on while you stay stuck in one place.
By sunrise, the only thing you would want to do is to sneak into your room and go to bed. Being an inpatient at D-6 of the Hospital, you’re at the point where you would rather spend most of your time dreaming than being awake. You would do anything to find the same comfort from hiding under the bed sheets when facing the world. That’s because the idea of you going back to school and making up an excuse for your time away just so people won’t think you are “crazy” makes you want to bury your head under a pillow. At school, anything related to mental illness comes with a stigma; and it’s not just that the majority of your peers that think depression or any mental illness as an excuse for complaining, but you’ve come across quite a few teachers who carry that same notion too. So take time to realize that what is holding you back from returning to the real world is the fear of having some sort of stigma attached to you; just a fear that keeps on getting fed by other people’s perception of mental health.
Take note, that this fear will lead you to another meeting with the ward’s psychiatrist, and you will be given the chance of getting a spot at the Mental Health Hospital, which would mean that you could stay for more than three months there. Thought that’s not your only choice, because you could leave the hospital after another week and become an outpatient. Talking about this being your third hospitalization, and you barely into being in the first few weeks of the second semester in grade nine, it’s time to admit that you really need help. As much as being at the hospital is helping you, you also realize that in some way, it is pulling you back.
Even though the hospital is a place for healing, you do understand that it’s your third time being here, and you need to see that you are putting yourself in a pattern. A pattern of being too dependent on a place every time you have a mental breakdown, which, with high school and being a neurotic adolescent, is basically every week. From all this time saying that you were participating in therapy, I am here to say that you really were not. Yes, you would physically be there for therapy, but mentally, you would always block yourself from opening up. You were scared of admitting that you need help, and scared to admit to others that you were suicidal or why you would self-harm. I can also say that the stigma from the media, the outside world, and your peers and so on, has found away into your mind too. Again, this fear had a lot of control over you, but just as you learned the last couple of times, not talking about your mental health leads you towards a dangerous path, and you were lucky enough to still be breathing.
In other words, talk; and start talking now. You won’t know where it will lead you until you try. So whether you decide to go or not to go, you are going to walk out those doors one day. You are going to go outside and breathe fresh air and pass strangers and familiar faces. You are going to have to look eye to eye when talking to others, ask for the things you want and become assertive instead of passive aggressive. Whether or not you decide, you are going to face the world one day.
After realizing the pattern, you decide to turn down the offer and wait another week till you become an outpatient. You will get back to class in no time and won’t need to drop any classes. So what about your peers? Soon enough, you will be too busy with your own life to focus on their thoughts about you. And what about your grades? Even though you were the over-achiever, it’s okay that your grades aren’t the best right now. It’s you that needs to improve first. That improvement started with being able to attend a CBT- Anxiety Therapy group for teens, and then move on to DBT, which is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a branch from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Once you started talking, the therapy started to help you, and taught you that one of the best things to do is to let go of the past, because carrying all that weight will only make your journey even slower. Accepting the past, and whatever you did and what was done to you that got you here doesn’t matter, as what matters the most is where you are right now, and where you will be.
This year, you are going to start your grade twelve, and even though you had a couple of relapses with your breakdowns and self-harming, you were able to carry on. That’s because in between the three years, you found out that not only medication and DBT helps, but that by having extra-curricular activities, you will be too busy and occupied with helping out and not think about negative thoughts. You will enjoy being a part of the social justice committee at your school as you have an interest in world issues, human rights and international relations; and you will love to write and act in theatre again with a newfound passion. Also, you will find a release of stress by volunteering. Remember that fear of being stigmatized? Well during your grade nine year, you will come across mindyourmind, a nonprofit organization that is about spreading awareness and diminishing stigma around mental illness. You will hear about in your outpatient group and participate in one of their presentations.
One day in September in grade 11 you will contact mindyourmind and discover that they are looking for volunteers to help develop content. You will call them and join their youth team. You won’t be so ashamed about talking about mental health, because the truth is, no one should be ashamed. You will learn that helping others is the best way to help yourself.
And all of this explains why you are here today, September 10th at a Lifting the Silence, suicide awareness walk, sharing the lessons you have learned and the hope that you have gained… facing the world and people who are here for the same reasons you are…change and mindfulness.
You are here.