Apparently she doesn’t like the sound of the words ‘mental illness’. “When you say it that way people will think your crazy”, she says to me.
Who cares? I scream inside of me… but say nothing.
“What mental illness do you think you have anyways?” she asks. I want to say, How the *#*#* don’t you know? I’ve been diagnosed for three years! The school has sent me to the hospital, I’m on meds, I’m seeing a counselor, my teachers have called you, you’ve read my diary, you’ve seen my scars, and I’ve told you!
When does this denial stop? I didn’t say those things to you though; I answered the question like I always do. Then you proceeded to tell me everyone has that. I wanted to scream at you, does everyone also cut themselves and plot their own suicide?
But of course once again I just kept my mouth shut. I know this is a hopeless battle with you; I’ve had this argument before. Sometimes I just can’t deal with your denial; it’s not helping me. I try to be open and honest with you like a mature person and this is what I am told. I proceeded to tell you what I had to come up with for the presentation I had to do and you said if I mentioned the words “mental illness” you wouldn’t come.
To say, “I’ve dealt with one divorce and not two because that would make you sound bad”, and not to mention the abuse because I don’t remember it anyways. Who are you to say what I do and do not remember? The abuse happened and changed my life for good, and not you or I can change the fact that it happened. Besides that why should you choose what people should and shouldn’t know about me? Later you said you might not come because this presentation will make you sound like a bad mother.
So you are embarrassed. Embarrassed of me or of the fact you didn’t protect me? Am I not good enough for you when I have problems? Why won’t you admit that anything bad has ever happened to me? Yes I have been abused physically, emotionally and sexually. I am not trying to play the victim here but I want you to understand that since I was a victim it has affected me and who I am. Why can’t you start to heal so I can? You tell me not to bring these things up and that you are a fabulous parent.
I completely acknowledge that you are a good parent and that all you ever did was try to do the best for me. But I am angry that you wont see the past or present problems I am having. You are the person I am closest to in our family and to have you deny things that have shaped and affected my life really hurts me. I wonder if you will ever get out of this state of denial.