Difficulty knows no stranger. You’re up to bat and life is throwing pitches you never saw in practice. That’s what it feels like having a mental disorder. All the techniques and advice given to you by your coach doesn’t work behind the plate because you’re playing a completely different game than the rest of the world.
From the ages 11-14 I was sexually and emotionally abused by a boy 4 years older than me. My mother was an alcoholic and my dad a frequent traveler which left me to face my problems on my own. When I turned 17 I had nothing left. My hair began to fall out, my appetite was non existant and I considered getting out of bed a high bar accomplishment. I tried for months to shake the demons. I tried to “choose to be happy” like the world tells us to do, but the rest of the world doesn’t know what it’s like to have a body fighting for survival and mind fighting for death.
After refusing help from doctors, abusing medications, and suffering from an eating disorder that cause me to lose 20lbs in just 3 short weeks I came to a final act of desperation and sought out medical attention.
I was diagnosed with a mood disorder something that had been disguised “hidden” behind my ADD symptoms and even 6 years after the initial abuse was heavily traumatized from my past. Having recurrent major depression disorder and what seems to be traces of Bipolar disorder I have experienced a constant feeling of misunderstanding from the world surrounding me– something that I now see my mom has felt while dealing with her alcoholism.– When I began to learn more about my disorders I have become empathetic to the part of my mom I grew up resenting. I have come to understand the Must-have appeal to drugs and alcohol that many people do not understand. I have realized the need for another person rather than constant solitude.
Because my engineer father’s inability to relate or understand my inability of controlling my highs and lows I saw every piece of my disorders as a flaw. I saw mental health as something over exaggerated because I was under the false pretense I should be in control of the way my thoughts worked. I looked at my insecurities as weaknesses, and just as many teenagers do, began to question my worth.
It wasn’t until this summer when I my view changed. Not a conversation, but just the mere act of sitting waiting room changed my entire perspective on mental disorders. As I sat and waited for my name to be called I looked around. I saw people who struggle in ways other people don’t understand– just like myself. I saw other people who probably wish for someone to say they can understand the dark or unwanted thoughts that seemed to be placed in their brain by something or someone else. And it was in that moment that I realized my disorders are not default. They’re a gift– a super power. I know that sounds completely cliche and absurd but it makes sense!! Because of my disorders I can do things that normal everyday people cannot. I have the ability to understand thought processes and brain functions in ways that a Clemson educated, award winning, 52 year old engineer will never be able to wrap his head around.
And That meant the waiting room to Dr. Wahlen was not a room full of distressed, troubled minds, but in fact it was a room full of superheroes! Full of people with these gifts that normal everyday humans don’t have. They too have the “superpower” that I have to listen to any perspective without judgment. To understand emptiness as a consuming emotion and not just as a state of being. And the thing is.. the world needs those super heroes. I mean in all honesty the world could actually use a lot more of them!
Because those super heroes are the people who love louder than most and listen harder than others. They’re the ones who are brought true joy by seeing light in another person’s eyes. We are the ones who will change the lives of most everyone we meet.
This perspective doesn’t make the bad days good or the scary thoughts silent. It just makes them all worth living with.
Love all You Super Heroes out there.
– M_lyn, 17