i was normal (once) / September 29, 2013
Occasionally I am confronted with an, “Are you seeing anyone?” or a “I know a great guy you should meet!” and I’m left feeling self–conscious and gun shy. And why, you may ask? Well, my knee jerk reaction would be something along the lines of, “Ugh. Who would want me? I’m such a train wreck.” or how do you work, ‘I have brain damage’ into a conversation and then have to elaborate on that?”. Or I become embarrassed by my schedule and how simply Plain Jane it is. I eat, write, read, take care of a Guide dog, take medication and sleep. End of story. Bleh.
Although I’m sure, upon further inspection, it’s not all bad. I do get together with friends, I make the effort to be social, even if that means just going for a walk with someone. My idea of get-togethers are much more low key than they were in my twenties. I can’t handle the chaos of bars anymore and can’t seem to let loose on a dance floor these days, so I always feel that someone would just get so bored with me that why not just spare them the trouble of thinking they want to get to know me more. Trust me. Ya’ don’t.
Now, to some degree, I know I am selling myself short. I know. But try telling that to the ginormous bully inside my head. Y’know – the one that everyone has, to a certain degree. The one that reminds you you’re not that nice of a person or who would want you with all that baggage or good luck with being alone the rest of your life because that is all you deserve. Yep. That guy. Unfortunately, we all have an internal bully that lives in our heads – it’s just that some take up more real estate in our heads than we’d like.
So how to stop beating yourself up? Good question. Still working on it. I guess it’s a matter of finding the good bits about you and then having a mindset that is more of a cheerleader for you than a Debbie Downer. Plus, the word on the street is ‘Confidence is sexy’.
If you can’t automatically think of why you’d be worthy of a partner, sit down and make a list of your positive attributes. Dig deep. They’re in there somewhere. And if you need help, ask your friends and family what they like about you. Remember – we are our harshest critics.
I read a story about a couple who were no longer together and the woman asked her ex, “Did you ever love me?”, to which he replied, “Of course I did.” “Then what changed?” and he said, “I stopped loving you when YOU stopped loving you.” It’s better to work on your confidence before going into a relationship than to rely heavily on someone else to constantly validate you. Ultimately you have to love yourself first and if the right guy/gal comes along, try your darndest to think nice thoughts about yourself and do the necessary leg work to find an inner calmness within.
Now I’ll go and try and heed my own advice!
by iwasnormalonce, age 35.
