In 1994 my parents separated, which left me devastated. Although, my parents’ separation was necessary, I cannot begin to tell you how devastated I was by everything revolving around their separation.
I was 14 ending my first year of high school. Once I started grade 10 I went from being an honor roll student to receiving 29% in most of my classes. I couldn’t focus on anything. My mom was an emotional mess. My dad legally could not see us. For the first 3 months after my dad left, I went to school, wandering the halls aimlessly in tears. Even when friends would ask what’s wrong, I never responded. I remember guidance counselors having me sit in their offices for hours, watching me cry, waiting for me to tell them what was wrong. I never said a word. My mom’s lawyer then suggested I see a child psychiatrist to help me cope with my emotions. I hadn’t realized that I had suffered a nervous breakdown, was severely depressed and was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Unfortunately, I felt the psychiatrist made me feel worse because he kept telling me to “snap out of it, get over the fact your parents are divorced, there are plenty of kids that go through this situation”. I agree there are many kids who experience divorce. However, to have my dad arrested and watch him walk out of our home in handcuffs still makes me cry today. I can still remember vividly the day he returned to the house with police to get his stuff, it was the first time I saw my dad cry. Once he left, I fell apart in tears. I felt so alone. My brothers were still young, my mom was emotionally unavailable.
I was 14 and alone. I began to seclude myself from my friends, my family, everyone. I wore a mask. I didn’t want anyone to know how I felt. Once my mom did realize, she sent me to stay with family in Toronto for a week during Caribana. My young emotionally hollow fourteen year-old self gave up my virginity to a man I chose to believe liked me because I so desperately wanted someone to fill this empty void inside of me. All I wanted was affection. I wanted someone to tell me it would be ok. I wanted someone to tell me my dad and my mom still loved me. Yet, no one was talking and I was suffering in silence. I remember my breaking point one night a few months later, I woke up to the TV blaring in my room. I sat on the edge of my bed. I had never felt this empty before. I couldn’t even cry. I want parents to realize that crying is very healthy for your child. You should be more concerned when your child isn’t crying. While, sitting on the edge of my bed I said to myself, I could kill myself and no one would care anyways. As, I sat there contemplating my life, I began to have an “Eat. Pray. Love” moment like when Liz prayed, “You know, I attempted to talk, you know, like to G-d. I began by asking for a sign”.
Suddenly, something happened on the TV, which distracted me out of my contemplation. There was a 700 Club infomercial with Pat Robertson, who asked if there was someone out there in need of love. Pat Robertson professed that Jesus would love me if I accepted him. Interestingly, I believed it. Yet, that only lasted for a few years.
Now, instead of sex, religion had become my new pacifier and I was still depressed.
What is disturbing is many people seek religion looking for sustenance in their time of need but what most people find is fellowship instead. Once they leave their congregations, they have to go home to their thoughts, still depressed or operating in the same dysfunctional ways that drove them to seek out religious institutions. Now, I am not here to deter people from finding solace in religious institutions, for many of these places are a refuge of comfort; but if you are like me after accepting Jesus into my heart, you may ask, if accepting Jesus is supposed to heal me then why am I still depressed?
The reality is that people living with mental health issues may have a family history or hormonal imbalance, but I believe the reason why many people struggle with mental health issues is because they suffer in silence. They feel they have no one to talk to that will truly understand what they are going through and if they do reveal what they are going through they are going to be judged.
Interestingly, the first place many of us learn JUDGMENT from is religion, as we see the implementation and evolution of a loving G-d passing or instilling laws. Can it really be surprising that many who are involved in a religious movement even seem to deter from wanting to share with their spiritual leaders?
I asked the following question last year at the National Bare Day Campaign on the wellness panel: “In the era of enlightenment with all the spiritual resources people have access to why are people still suffering emotionally?”
Personally, I believe the lack of emotional awareness of how to cope with an ever-changing environment is what is keeping many people trapped in a reality that seems hopeless and without a future.
Janét Aizenstros is the Founder/CEO of Janét Aizenstros Omni Media, a global platform that intends to change how the media portrays women. National Bare Day campaign is dedicated to empowering women to become more aware of how the media influences our emotional intelligence. Our primary focus for these discussions is to aid women in becoming conscious of how their thoughts affect their behavior and to be more mindful of the media influences in their everyday lives.