My names is James I am 18 years old and still a student in high school out in cartier manitoba. I think what caught my attention about this site was when people at my school started talking about this site and how they were posting here when they needed help and couldn’t find it. I remember how when I was 10 I was this happy kid I had no issues. I was fit, athletic, fun to be around, never wanted to do drugs or smoke, than someone in my family died and it struck really hard. I was always taught “you don’t cry you’re a man, men don’t cry” not by my family but by society. So when my Nanny (mom’s mom) died in ‘98 I just bottled it up.
Soon at the age of 10 I was failing school, I was turning to drugs for help, I was smoking, I was planning to commit suicide, I even wrote in one of my binders on some of the work I handed in to one of my teachers “I just wanna die no one would miss me anyways I’m useless I’m nothing but a fucking loser”. That’s pretty harsh words to be saying about yourself when you’re 10.
I was later in life (16) diagnosed with aspergers which is a rare form of autism and was given psychiatric help after there was a fight in school and I produced a knife which resulted in my expulsion. I’ve been seeing the psychiatrist and it’s been going good. Lately though there’s been a few problems I just can’t seem to deal with.
My band is recording soon and the stress from that is causing me to crack a lot I can’t go to school in fear I’m gonna do something stupid or say something stupid. I was hurting myself today by smashing my head into the wooden door I have on my bedroom eventually causing a break in the door. On top of all this I just recently got engaged so there’s the stress from that. Today is my fiancee’s birthday and I find myself wanting to die cause my life is plummetting in my own mind set. I just can’t find the silver lining in anything right now. I have sadly once again gotten into drugs and it’s just pathetic I know but it seems like I need it. I just don’t know what i could do right now. Like, I’m sure I wont kill myself only because I don’t want to leave my fiancee behind but aside from that it feels like I have nothing.
I just think it’s stupid that the way I dress (blue hair, green make-up, arm bands, and black clothes) is frowned upon by everyone. People look at me and immediately call me “emo” or “freak”. I’m not emo and I’m not a freak. I like to think of myself as the alternative kid in a small town of people who care too much about appearance. I can’t wait to have some of this shit over with though. I want my band to finish the recording and get that over with. I wanna get married and have the secrecy behind our engagement done with.
I am coping however due to the fact that yes I am engaged and I can’t leave her behind. I often think to myself when I get the suicidal feelings “you’re not gonna feel any pain but you’re gonna kill everyone who cares about you”. I don’t wanna think of myself as the reason others want out of life.
I pride myself on writing music dedicated to victims of attacks, or war. I have a song out with my band called wave goodbye which is the dying soldiers P.O.V on the war and it helped me cope with always hearing about everyone dying. I often wonder what it would be like if I had never gotten into music and singing and stuff like that. Where would I be today? Would I still be writing lyrics for no reason? Thank God I will never have to find that out.
I guess the one last thing I have to say to people in my situation is, You’re not the only one who’s life is gonna end if you kill yourself. Everyone around you like your family your significant others your teachers, they’re all gonna feel like they had a part in it. It’s not worth it. Life though rough at some points, is beautiful and there’s so much to live for.
Live a life that is plentiful and happy. Don’t hurt yourself cause your boyfriend/girlfriend dumped you. There’s a reason they’re not meant to be in your future.