Sept 5/2009
I’m in Oshawa. It’s day 1 and I’m missing home already! Walking is tough with such a huge suitcase, especially in this heat. I finally found the mall and food court. My bagel tastes like cardboard. Jenn sent me a Facebook message and it reminded me that I miss home already. I haven’t even gotten anywhere yet! I’m feeling quite nervous. My stomach is sick. I’m worried too…I was searching for the mall, and stumbled across Pinewood.
I can’t remember the last day I was sober. I’ve managed to find something (ie: pot, alcohol) or use my medications for sleeping the days away. Now I’m in search of a pay phone card, shoes to wear while I’m showering (never know whose feet have touched the floor), and I’m off to be an ‘inpatient’. Pinewood looks alright from the front, I’m not sure what it’s like inside though.
About 1:30pm today I was checked in and admitted to Pinewood. I do not miss my cell phone yet for texting, but know that time will come soon. I haven’t decided to call anyone yet, but I am already getting very homesick. Many people have been praying for me and been a huge support. I am thankful that God is real and has helped me because I am still alive even though I have engaged in my addictions. I had a lot of anxiety before I came in, but strange enough most has subsided.
When I arrived the person told me I definitely needed fluids. I had been walking around Oshawa very lost and confused. I was quite sick on the bus ride around the city trying to find a phone card to keep in touch with friends and the buses here are very confusing. They do not have a terminal. My suitcase was a burden to me, but it had all my ‘home’ in it that I could bring.
I know I’ll only be in detox for 4-5 days, and that it doesn’t sound like ‘a big deal’, but I am getting a bit more nervous now. God is truly my ultimate healer. It’s hard for me to believe that sometimes, but I would really love to. Losing my fears, addictions, sleeping all day, it’s all something I’d like to do…I have to think about and see what is more important in my life.
After being assessed, I talked very briefly to two women. They encouraged me that what has happened IS, but the future is now up to me. As I continue to write, my OCD seems to have gone into overdrive. All I can think about is wishing I could clean here like at home, and my thoughts spin so much more. I’m given medications at specific times so I won’t sleep even if I want to. I forced milk and meat pie in me after I was checked in, shown around, and had water. I chose not to make myself sick.
I’m starting to feel alone already. I have only been here about 2 hours. Feeling more isolated and small. I’m in a strange place and don’t know anyone.My bedroom smells funny. I do not know why, it might just be because it’s not ‘home’. I would like to shower soon but I’m too scared to ask for a towel and shampoo. My fears in social situations and asking for help have definitely gotten bigger. I guess I’m just missing home, my comforts, which really got me here in the first place. They were not really comfortable after all.
Tiffany’s mom is proud of me for coming here. That is encouraging. I got a few text messages from Tiffany. I think I would have found it difficult to go in without Godly encouragement. I love them. I hope my mom would be proud of me. I miss my mom. I even have begun to miss family members that I haven’t spoken to in a while, which is strange. I must really be homesick. I don’t miss Facebook yet, but I know that eventually I could start to.
Emily updated her Facebook before I had to turn my cell off and it said “Emily will not be on Facebook for a couple of days. Give me a ring on the telephone or e-mail me.” I thought that was sweet. She is going absent from her net, since I can’t use mine. I love her!
I decided to pray now. I’m going to have to continue to push myself with God’s help even further out of my comfort zone. This (where I am), is not pleasant I can tell from having the “tour”. I’m going to ask for shampoo and a towel. I finally have courage to ask.
I saw a TV room on my tour. Degrassi is my favourite tv show. I am hoping to be able to watch Degrassi on my TV time. I am hoping I can leave some of my “home” comforts at “home”. I am also allowed my mp3 player. The nurse said any depression, anxiety changes and I lose my headphones because they have a chord. I have to be 100% honest here. I’m also allowed to keep my belt, hopefully for the duration too. I do have shorts but I would rather wear my pants. I’m monitored at the moment because I abuse medications and pick up self-abuse ideas very easily. So far I’m ok.
7:31pm – There really was a life for me back home, it just took coming here to see that. Women here are struggling, most going through very serious withdrawals. I get yelled at often and cursed at when they do, because they believe I’m more better off. I’m not though. They do not see my addictions or my ways of coping.
Earlier today hurt when I went to watch TV. I changed the channel to see if Degrassi was still on and got a lot of trouble. I haven’t been here long so what I would like to do or TV show I would like to see is not acceptable. It’s extremely boring. I put my flip-flop shoes on and paced the hallway quite a few times.
Eventually I worked up the courage to ask the receptionist if I could borrow my cell phone to write down a couple phone numbers. I lied. I snuck a text to a couple of friends asking for prayer. Later I called Jenn and Shelly. It was nice to hear Jenn’s answering machine and talk to Shelly for 10 or so minutes. I spoke to a woman here by the name of Fiona and she said she’s called her husband 18+ times in one day. She said she can tell I’m “different” from the others (she thinks she is too), and that her and I have much more potential. I really don’t agree with her putting either of us in a ‘different’ category. We are both here for addictions and mental health issues just like the rest.
I skipped dinner, but am having a sandwich at snack time which is at 8:30pm. Medication time is 9pm so I am hoping to sleep at 10pm. I’m nervous for medication time because they hand it to me as my doctor has instructed. Today will be the first full day I have had being awake, and not sleeping in a very long time.
I just noticed I have a dog picture on my wall. I’m suddenly fascinated by this. Probably because the environment around here is so depressing. I have a life back home, I just didn’t live it how God would want. Here is basically like prison. It gives me so much time to think too. My hospital stays in the psych-ward for depression were better. I knew I wasn’t coming here for fun, but this is worse than what I had thought.
In 1 minute we get our medications. It’s bittersweet! Day 1 is in sight! Only a few days left! I was reminded tonight that it’s only a few days to work on ourselves which hurts, but we spent years in addiction which hurt us more.
To remind myself that God was here today with me:
- had a full lunch
- coffee
- snack (which was more like a meal)
- 2 milks
- 1 fruit cup
- writing
- didn’t sleep all day
- only made 2 phone calls
- no drinking
- no medication abuse
- had a razor and didn’t use it improperly
- I didn’t hit my head or get upset with myself
- I found out people here are allowed to go home whenever they choose, but I’m still here.
I went outside at 9:36pm. It was a trigger for me. It’s night, and I miss smoking pot. What has helped me the most at this point is reminding myself of the last conversation I had with my friend Tiffany. She said that I have to talk about things and face them to get better. Tomorrow at 2pm is my first group. We are discussing sleeping. I’m scared to hear any more talk about drugs or drinking. I’m craving things. I had withdrawals more seriously for the first time today. I had tremors, I felt extremely cold and kept vomiting. I am doing what Jenn has often reminded me to do – rest. I am really tired. Hoping I can sleep until breakfast at 7:30am. Not sure about food yet but taking it one step at a time.
September 6, 2009, 10:22am
I am thankful and have more peace today. Our group addiction and mental health counseling discussion is at 2-3pm. I’m wanting medications which is tough. I miss pot and people are talking more about their experiences, which is difficult to hear. I am writing on my bed with my door open watching a lady in the hall emptying garbage and washing floors. Due to my OCD it makes me want to clean while watching her clean. Later I will empty my suitcase, make my belongings look messy and put it together nicely.
12:49pm – I just finished having lunch. I’m fighting very hard not to take a toothbrush in the washroom to bring it up. I am worried someday I will get made fun of for being bigger again and I hate my awful looks. Today I had bagel, macaroni and potato salads, a dill pickle, a little bit of chili, and 2 milks. This to me is a very large meal. I’m worried if I have supper too. I still haven’t been able to forget my ex’s mom referring to my looks as “a fat lesbian”. She didn’t like me dating her son because she said I was too overweight and looked like a boy.
This afternoon is beautiful. We are upset that the most we can do is sit outside a very small fenced-in area. It’s nearly impossible to see anything. The sky looks nice. I’m nervous. Group is in 1 hour. I have already been told that our substances of choice and medications are never mentioned. Rather we discuss – supports, feelings, guilt, sleep, healthier living etc. I’m still worried because the words “drugs” and “alcohol” will be.
At lunch today I helped a woman open a cheese wrapper. She thanked me lots and said she was worried to ask and didn’t want to appear stupid. I helped her because she was going through bvious withdrawals so I wanted to help. I’m going to ask at the front desk for a piece of blank paper and a red pen. I’ll have my blue pen too. I’ll make her a birthday card. I’m really praying for her that on her birthday when she leaves, to go home, that it will be a new day for her life.
It’s time I go brush my teeth and hair to get ready for group. I’m a bit nervous because it’s a social area. Group was about sleeping today. I have sleep troubles for many reasons. Nightmares and reoccurring dreams is 1. Another is racing thoughts – really high and really low. I learned in group today that when people are sleep deprived or sleep too much it will not help with their problems, and I also learned if a person doesn’t sleep for three days straight they can begin hallucinating. Something I probably shouldn’t attempt at home.
6:13pm – Tonight I brought up my supper. I have to still try snack at snack time, so I didn’t feel right having too much food in me. My nerves are feeling really bad. Unfortunately the lady who says she owns the TV said I have lost my Degrassi show time tomorrow night. She’s angry because of withdrawals. She told me I wasn’t allowed to sit with her for supper and she hates me. That is ok though. I still think she is a good lady. I’m still going to make her a birthday card and give her it no matter how she feels towards me. God loves her and so I do too.
Before supper she told me she is sad about Tuesday. Besides it being our days to leave, it’s also her birthday. I explained I didn’t have a 26th birthday because of how I felt about myself and my self-worth, I slept it away and took myself out for dinner when I had already had so many invitations out with really wonderful friends. I ruined my own birthday because I feel I am a mistake and she agreed completely with me. Deep down though I know I feel I want to believe I was created for a purpose and a plan. That God does love me even when I don’t think so, that I need to remember that I am not a mistake. I pray she feels this deep down inside too.
10:32pm – My feelings seem to be so much better! Tonight was an extremely difficult time. My thoughts were all over. All I wanted to do was leave. My only focus was on wanting to be home again. To be on my couch, or back in my bed, to self-medicate, or drink. Anything really…my focus is more on God again. Talking to him, needing peace, comfort, hope, and strength to get through this.To not be vulnerable, to stay here knowing the truth – that God is right here with me. That God created me (not junk, not mistake), that my friends are right! – with God’s help I can do this. The rest of my duration will not be easy, but I am determined to find strength and continue. Jenn and all my other friends kept reminding me on the phone that I got on a bus all by myself and that was a huge thing in itself. I saw one woman the first day and when she arrived she was a mess. She had no clue how she got here. She ended up staying only a few hours and left. I’ve been learning about my own life and what I want through seeing how everyone else is.
I had a shower. I asked for a razor. I had plans earlier for cutting. I got the razor and my night clothes in the washroom, but I prayed instead. Today was VERY difficult, but in the end I saw God. It’s my prayer before my last day here that God is keeping all my loved ones safe, happy and healthy at home xoxo.
September 7, 2009 -LAST DAY!
9:02am – This morning has been a very slow day. I have woken up 3 times already. I’m not nervous for group anymore. I’ll sit at the back near the wall, not the table. I wonder why there’s so many men compared to women?
At the moment I’m feeling very irritable and nervous. I’m having a lot of really seemingly intense cravings. Even if I took pills to sleep – throughout the day, if I woke up, I’d get high, go on my computer and then go back to sleep. I miss my old patterns sometimes, but praying against that. They didn’t help anyways!
12:31pm – I had a shower and lunch today. I had the same thing as yesterday. Macaroni and potato salad, cottage cheese, dill pickle, I had 1 milk, tomato soup, and grilled cheese sandwich. I’m in my room on my bed drinking coffee. Group is in an hour and a half. I’m feeling ‘guilty’ because of my addictions and upset with myself. I only have myself to blame not others. I do hope group will help…I wish my mom was home. When I get home I would like to see her again. My mother’s passing from cancer in 2005 really affected me in a deep, and sad way. I would like to have a hug from her again. My mom loved me a lot.
I saw Fiona again this afternoon. She told me she works in a beer store outside just outside our city. We connected really well. She was constantly encouraging me when my times were tough. Reminding me that her and I definitely have so much to live for. That we don’t want to be trapped the rest of our lives. We made a promise to each other that we would try our very best to do well. I do like Fiona more now, at first I was a little unsure just because she tried to put us in a separate group from the others here, but I guess she is right. Often I noticed people had no desire to try and do better. I will continue to remember Fiona’s advice and not be like others. I can make my own positive choices from now on with God’s help of course!
I’m very sad when I’m here. Mostly sad for the people. I don’t like to see others having health problems, or any problems for that matter. I wish I could pray a prayer and everyone would be problem free. I care a lot for people. People are lovely. I seem to learn a lot from everyone I meet. I believe everyone has a story to share. We can hear if we sit still and listen.
5:04pm – Guilt. I have a lot of unhealthy, un-necessary guilt. Saying sorry, punishing myself either with self-harm or doing things often to punish myself. My thoughts and dreams, everything happens because I’m to blame, even though it’s not really true and I don’t have to punish myself. I just do. It’s ALWAYS my fault. If it’s raining that’s my fault too. In group one man said we will always be guilty for our past, but we don’t have to be ashamed anymore because we’re in a facility for help. Maybe now my past is forgiven?! I gave the nice woman I met here her made birthday card! It wasn’t much, but her face sure lit up like a Christmas tree! She even hugged and thanked me. It’s times like those that I am truly thankful for the small things in life.
September 8, 2009
My LAST few hours are here!! I have no idea what time Carol (assessment nurse) will arrive to speak to me, but as soon as her and I are done talking – I’ll be on my way back to my home city! I’m much more nervous and worried today. More than when I came here. Why? Because here I was monitored! At home, it’s just me. I have a lot of triggers when I get home. Besides these things, life in general feels like a consistent battle. I have a bit of routine and schedule to my life now. It’s been a short stay. It felt long, but it started to help. I don’t know how to stick to it, but I will be praying a whole ton! I only had 3 and a half pills during my whole stay. I’m allowed three per day. I didn’t because sometimes I get tired. I also didn’t feel I needed anymore then the very small amount of medication I had. I survived it too! I tried to make full days, to pray and spend time with God. I had nothing here in Pinewood Prison. Nothing it seemed but God and his help.
7:54am – I’m closer to going home. Soon I’m going to shower and find out when she will be here to talk.
It’s now 8:08am. I finished my shower and breakfast. Carol will be here to speak to me by 9:00am. I will be leaving as soon as her and I are done talking. Carol just wants to see how my stay was, what I learned (if anything), and set me up for a referral to continue counseling once I am back home again.
11:00am – I’m on the greyhound bus home. Before I got on the bus I checked my phone card and it said I only had 3 minutes left. I had a couple very important thank you calls I wanted to make (to friends Jenn, Shelly and Tiffany). I had to talk very quickly, but glad I had time to thank them. Many strange feelings and worries have been eating me alive even before I left Pinewood. This morning before I left two women were talking. They said they have no chance in returning home sober. They’re losing their chance by saying that I think. They haven’t even left yet! Already they’re talking about using. One had a heart attack at only 20 from cocaine. I will be praying for her. A lot were wanting to use or drink. Many times during my stay I wanted to go home as well. It was hard keeping awake even though I could have slept my way through it. I had to make a choice every day to live how God would want me to. It sure wasn’t easy. I’m trying to change. Mostly because I don’t like the old ‘Sonia’. I hate the person I was. I hate the ‘me’ who had to end up in detox. I want to be a new Sonia, very badly. Who God wants me to be. I have learned so much and want to continue that! One foot in front of the other and continue on the right and positive path for my life.
We haven’t hit the highway yet. I’m scared to be home. I have much more anxiety than I did while being in Pinewood. I’m now on a schedule, eating regularly, taking my medications as my doctor prescribed, proper sleeping patterns, more calm, and most importantly I have detoxified myself for three days without alcohol or self-medicating on my own. I’m worried I’ll be falling asleep in a metal bed. Although, logically it’s my own bed. I didn’t like the door shut in a strange place. I’m really scared to sleep. I’m worried about where I am, but I am home now! It’s not Pinewood Prison anymore. It’s my own bed! I honestly saw some nights where I wasn’t sure if I would have a roommate anymore, or if some of the people I had been praying for would make it through the night because of their withdrawal symptoms. I have many triggers and will have to be careful of them in the days ahead. As easy as it is to go to the things that would make me happy, or at least seem happier (even if some of my comforts aren’t really all that rewarding in the end anyways), I will have to go to him. Even if it means I mess up, and have to go to him every hour.
The first day I was in detox, I was looking through some of their books and ‘things’ outside the staff room. There was a box of papers from previous groups that were photocopied and kept in a box for people to read. I guess it was a scrap paper box as well because there was many pencil crayons. I looked through all the papers for information. One statement on one piece of paper was VERY TRUE…I will pray through it and try to remind myself: … GOD DOES NOT CREATE JUNK.
BIOGRAPHY
My name is Sonia G. and I am a 32 year old who loves to write. It is my passion and a huge part of who I am. In this life I believe I’ve been through truly unique experiences so that I can use my ‘gifts and talents’ of writing to express how I feel and show others that there is always hope! I grew up here in Peterborough and have my struggles with mental health issues. I suffer Depression and Anxiety on a regular basis. It’s my wish that others will read what I say and can learn from what I have been through, seeing how I have found hope and applying it to their lives as well. Finding joy and positivity in a dark world that seems truly ‘hopeless’ was not always easy. Many times I suffered and wanted to give up, finding myself visiting the emerg ‘crisis’ room to speak to nurses and doctors about my thoughts and feelings. Fortunately for myself I chose to put one foot in front of the other and only live life one day at a time. Sometimes even hour by hour. If we try we will succeed. Maybe not right away or how we wish things would happen, but all good things are possible.